6 Reasons Why It's Really NOT You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines (especially if you're a woman, you know this is true). For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.

They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 

2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 

People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.

3. They Don't Want to Commit.

They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 

4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.

Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

Guard your Thoughts

   It is so important to guard our thoughts and the way we perceive ourselves, because how we perceive ourselves affects everything we do.

 

“As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7).

 

The Bible tells us that, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7). This Proverb is telling us that what we believe about ourselves, what we hold to be true about ourselves, actually determines what kind of person we become.

We live in a way that is in accordance with our beliefs and what we perceive to be true.

 

You've probably heard the quote:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

And it's true; it all starts with what goes on in your mind!

Everything you do begins with a thought. And the kind of thoughts you're thinking determine what kind of actions and behavior you will have. What gets me most excited about these truths however, are all the new discoveries in the field of positive psychology which scientifically prove the truth behind these age-old wisdoms.

Shawn Achor, author of the Best-selling book The Happiness Advantage and one of the world's leading experts in happiness and human potential explains, "Studies show that simply believing we can bring about positive change in our lives increases motivation and job performance; [and] that success, in essence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy... Amazingly, [an individual's] belief in their own ability is an even stronger predictor of job performance [and success] than the actual level of skill or training they had." How amazing is that! An individual’s belief of whether or not they can perform a task is more powerful than their actual training or ability!

 

An individual’s belief of whether or not they can perform a task is more powerful than their actual training or ability.

Think of it this way: A person who considers themselves unattractive will likely go through life feeling a low self-esteem and negatively towards themselves, unless this person can learn to focus on their attractive qualities, and make an emphasis on their positive attitude and personality instead of their undesired physical features. If they don't change their perspective about themselves, then their belief about themselves being unattractive will be more of a hindrance then their actual suppose lack of physical appeal. It's not about the individual’s looks, but their feelings and perception about their looks which then cause them to act, perform, and behave in a way that is either beneficial and productive, or harmful and destructive.

 

Success is not so much determined by the individual’s abilities, but their feelings and perception about their abilities which then cause them to act, perform, and behave in a way that is either beneficial and productive, or harmful and destructive.

 

Let me give another example.

A person who believes they will not go anywhere in life, or believes they are an unintelligent loser with no future is going to live in a way that is in accordance with those beliefs. Meaning, it is likely they will not make much of an effort to get an education, and they may fall into drugs, alcohol abuse, or other non-productive behavior, all because of their self-image and the way they perceive themselves. We are more prone into giving into self-destructive tendencies and habits if our self-image is distorted and our thinking is off-balance. If we believe that we are unsuccessful, stupid, or a loser, we will live and act in a way that is in accordance with those beliefs. But, if we believe that we have the ability to succeed, triumph over circumstances, that we are loveable, and beautiful in our own way, then we will live a life that is in accordance with success, striving to be the best we can be, and living to our full potential. Numerous studies discussed in The Happiness Advantage have repeatedly proven "how strongly our beliefs can affect our abilities." Achor writes that our "beliefs are so powerful because they dictate our efforts and actions." How you perceive yourself and what you believe to be true about yourself are so important because they will determine how you feel, act, and ultimately the choices you make which determine the course of your life.

 

“Beliefs are so powerful because they dictate our efforts and actions.” –Shawn Achor

 

Remember what it says in Proverbs 27:3? "As we think in our hearts, so we become." If our self-image is distorted and our thinking is off-balance then we will be more prone into giving into self-destructive tendencies and habits. If we can learn to guard our thoughts, recognize when they get off-balance, and make continuous and gradual changes towards developing a healthy self-image and mindset, we will prevent ourselves from the possible downfall of negative self-fulfilling prophecy. As Achor explains it, "By changing the way we perceive ourselves and our work, we can dramatically improve our results." In order to begin changing the way you perceive yourself, you need to begin focusing on all your strengths and reasons as to why you will succeed rather than fail. This does not mean ignoring your weaknesses. It simply means choosing to put a positive emphasis on your strengths which will boost your confidence, self-belief, and in turn, will actually alter and improve your ability to soar to new heights and accomplish new goals--all because you changed your perspective onto your abilities and successes rather than weaknesses and failures.

 

If you’ve found any of what you read helpful or encouraging, I encourage you to pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation –Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever! where you can read more on the power of transformational thinking and positive "Transformational New Thoughts!"

Additional reading recommendations: The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor.

The Power of Words

“Gentle words cause life and health; griping brings discouragement” -Proverbs 15:4 (TLB)

All throughout the Bible it's evident that our words are powerful and that they hold the power to either bring life and healing, or destruction and harm. Something Jesus emphasized when he walked the earth was that we need to pay attention to, and guard what words we allow out of our mouths.

 

 

When God created the universe, the Bible tells us that "He SPOKE, and it came to be" (Psalm 33:9). Out of nothing but words, something was created. God merely said the word, and in an instant, the universe was formed. I believe that when God spoke the universe into existence, He did so as an example, in order that we may follow in His footsteps. He could have merely thought the world into existence, but He specifically chose to SPEAK it, as an example for the power of our words. His word tells us that, "Your Words reflect your fate. Either you will be justified by them, or you will be condemned" (Matthew 12:37) and that, "the power of life and death are in the tongue" (Proverbs 18:21). That's quite some power! Our words have the power to build up, or destroy, to encourage, or tear down, and God wants us to use our words in a way that is most beneficial--in a way that is edifying to God, those around us, and our very own lives. Ephesians 4:29 lovingly instructs us "[not to] use foul or abusive language." But to instead, "let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." The words we speak should reflect our faith. They should be words of love and kindness so that they will be of a benefit to those around us.

"The power of life and death are in the tongue" -Proverbs 18:21

When Jesus calmed the raging seas, He spoke and commanded them to calm down. In Matthew 4:39 we are told that “He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm."

 

Before David defeated Goliath, he spoke words of victory out loud by telling Goliath, “You come against me with sword and spear, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down... and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands” (1 Samuel 17:45-47). How awesome is that! David spoke words of victory before it even happened! His words were a reflection of his faith in God.

Let your words be a reflection of your faith.

Like David, God has given us power in the words we choose to speak. He has given us the ability to use destructive words of harm, or life-giving words of encouragement and faith. The Bible tells us that as humans, we have been created in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) and therefore as His children, we've inherited some of the rights to use God's power for His glory. He's given us power in our words to use them for good or evil.

"Your Words reflect your fate" -Matthew 12:37

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that "those who love to talk will suffer the consequences." And that, we must learn to be "quick to listen and slow to speak" (James 1:19). This week I challenge you to live according the verse in Ephesians 4:29. To "not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." In other words, to guard your tongue and what words you permit out of your mouth. To say ONLY that which is beneficial and edifying. To speak words that build up instead of tear down. I challenge you to do this not only in the way you speak to others, but also in the way you speak to yourself and about your own life. Don't be the kind of person that's always speaking words of complaint and defeat. Instead, be like David, who even before he saw victory in his life, spoke words of victory OUT LOUD and IN ADVANCE! In other words, speak bold words of faith! Speak in a way knowing that God is on your side, and that through Him your battles are already won!

Speak in a way knowing that God is on your side, and that through Him your battles are already won!

Take-away Verses:

"The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do... It always ready to spill out deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it breaks out into curses. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! " -James 3:5-15

"Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

 

It's All About Focus!

I had a revelation one day as I was studying tissues while working in the biology lab. I realized that just as whatever point I chose to focus my microscope on would immediately become magnified and larger, so it goes the same with our focus in life. I realized that it's whatever we choose to set our focus on that becomes most important, grand, or large in our life.

Life is like looking through a microscope: What you choose to focus on is what will be magnified!

It's like this: Have you ever met someone who you thought was initially attractive, until they told you how horribly self-conscious they were of the extremely small mole on the side of their cheek? All of a sudden, the once-attractive qualities you perceived in the other person seem small compared to the suddenly gargantuan mole hanging off the side of their face! Or maybe you've experienced the distraction of sitting in class and listening to the instructor, until someone points out how loud the air conditioner sounds. All of a sudden, it becomes seemingly impossible to focus on anything but the ridiculously loud hum of the A.C! The reason for this is because your focus changed. It changed from the attractive qualities of a person, to their not-so attractive qualities. It changed from listening to the voice of your professor, to the loud hum of the A.C. Nothing changed circumstantially. Nothing changed except what you were focusing on.

You hold the power and the key to utilize your Focus to the best of your advantage.

Most top athletes know the importance of monitoring their focus. Instead of choosing to focus on the physical pain they feel, they change their focus onto how great their victory will be for having been so disciplined. They focus on bettering themselves, on shaping and transforming their body into a winning machine! Like athletes, you too hold the power to utilize your focus to the best of your advantage. Either you can choose to focus on all the things you are lacking in your life, and as a result feel depressed, discouraged, and hopeless. Or, you can choose to choose to focus on all the things you have to be grateful for--no matter how small; whether it is the roof over your head, the fact that you're alive, or your amazing ability to read this post--and as a result, feel immensely blessed, grateful, joyful, productive, and happy! You can focus on your immense work load and feel stressed, or you can choose to focus on how good it will be once you get your work done. You can focus on how lonely you may feel, or you can change your focus onto making someone else's day and as a result feel great for having made a selfless contribution that benefitted someone else. I hope you can see how extremely important monitoring your focus is, and that you have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

You have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

I want you to try this: Look around the room and within 10 seconds, try to find as many brown objects as possible. Ready? Go!

Finished?

Okay, now without looking around the room again, try telling me all the blue things that you saw.
I can guarantee that you're not able to list nearly as many blue things as you were able to list brown things. And why is that? It's because you were too busy focusing on all the brown to recognize any of the blue! Life is the same way. Please don't miss out on seeing all the wonderful "blue" because you were far too busy being concerned with all the muck and "brown." Enjoy each moment to its fullest by learning to monitor what you focus on! It is a habit that will benefit you, your life, and those around you (positive people bring others up) for years to come!

Don't miss out on all the "blue" because you're too busy focusing on all the "brown!"

Action Steps:
1. Gratitude List
There are a couple things you can do to drastically change your focus for the better. The first thing you can do is make a gratitude list. Every morning when you wake up, write down at least 3-5 new things that you're grateful for and review the list again at night.
2. Help Someone in Need
Second, you can change your focus off of yourself and onto someone else! If you're feeling miserable with your current circumstances there may be a chance that you've become overly absorbed with the problems you’re facing. There's a famous quote that says something like, "the best way to solve your problems is by helping someone else solve theirs." Taking the time to help someone else out of their loneliness, struggles, or hurt helps you get your focus off of yourself and onto someone else, and your problems immediately become much less daunting.

I hope you found this information useful, inspirational, and practical to every-day life. If you'd like more inspiration, you can pick up a copy of my book TNT:TeeNage Transformation --Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever!

Have a great week everybody! ;-)