If You're Single and Looking...

If you’re single and have been looking for and desiring a relationship, then I want to propose a challenge to you: Instead of “searching” and looking for that special someone, work on instead becoming that special someone for someone else to find. Instead of “searching” and looking for that special someone, work on instead becoming that special someone for someone else to find.

You’ve probably heard this before, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with keeping a look out for that special someone. The problem occurs when our search overrides the amount of time and energy we spend on actually improving ourselves. Many relationship problems occur because neither person believes that they have to change, they both are under the impression that their own way is right. If we carry this mentality when we are single, there’s a sure chance we’ll also carry it into our relationships as well. When it comes down to it, relationships are really about practicing humility and servant-hood. Instead of searching for someone to meet our needs, we need to change our focus onto how we can improve ourselves so that we can be a better partner for someone else someday. When it comes to solving relationship problems, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself--and that change needs to start while you're single.

Ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person that my ideal mate is looking for?”

To clarify the importance of what I mean by this: Ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person that my ideal partner is looking for?” If you’re honest, you may admit that there’s a little self-improvement you can do to prepare and grow yourself into becoming the kind of person that your ideal mate would like to find. Maybe you need to begin taking some action steps by hitting the gym, or start by being a little more disciplined in your finances. Maybe you seek someone with spirituality, but you aren’t living out that spirituality in your own life. No matter what stage of life you’re in, no matter how much money you have, or how great you may think you are, the fact is, there’s always room for improvement! By changing your focus off of finding “the one” and instead onto becoming “the one” you increase your chances of not only finding someone who values what you value, but who is also living out those values in their own life as well. Not only that, but your time of self-improvement will serve the relationship well when it does come time for you to be in one. In addition, the continual and constant steps you make towards self-improving will make you ridiculously irresistible to a number of suitors/suitresses. It’s like Karen Salmansohn of Instant Happy said, “ 'Sexy’ isn’t about what you wear. It’s about how you feel. The more passion you feel for yourself and your life, the more passion others will feel for you.” I know from experience and testimony this is absolutely true. The more you live in accordance with what you value, the more you continue to pursue the things in life which you are passionate about, and the more you continue to make steps towards improvement, the more people will notice those changes and feel a sense of attraction for you because people can sense the positive changes you're making, and you are living in a way that is inspiring to others.

Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy. You can be happy right now.

Another thing I’d like to mention, is that many single people carry

the mentality that only when they are finally in a relationship will they be fulfilled and happy. This is a complete fallacy! Circumstances like relationship status, finances, and career may provide a temporary satisfaction when new, but as the newness wears off, the person who was initially unhappy will revert right back to their old state of discontentment. The reason for this, as the field of positive psychology has repeatedly proven, is that our mood is primarily based not upon circumstances, but our perspective about our circumstances. So unless you change your perspective about yourself and your temporary state of singleness, I can assure you that you’re not going to find someone to make you completely happy! Yes, it’s true that healthy relationships can bring us joy—we were created for relationships, and it’s good to have them. However it is not true that there is one human being that can fully fulfill and satisfy every one of our needs. We’re only human! Nobody can do that! We’re placing on them a burden that only God can fulfill. I’ve known many who search for love in the affection and attention of others, only to end up stuck in a cycle of revolving-relationships, and never happy because they base their love off of what someone else thinks of them, or how someone else treats them. What they fail to realize is that they must first learn to have a healthy self-love for themselves before getting into a relationship. Otherwise, they will be constantly taking and never able to give. They will be needy and dependent upon the other person in order to feel loved because they don’t already feel it for themselves. And a relationship that is based on dependence is certainly not a healthy one. You want to be in a relationship where both people are satisfied in their lives and at a point where they can both mutually give and receive love and affection. If you don’t love yourself, how can you fully love an other? Have a healthy love and appreciation for yourself first, before seeking out a relationship. If you don't have this kind of self- love, appretiation, and self- respect, it's likely you may end up settling for someone who doesn't show you the love you deserve because you don't think that you deserve any better. It's for this reason that many get trapped in emotionally or physically abusive relationships: They don't have enough self-love or self-respect to believe that they deserve or can do any better.

Rather than seeking out love in a human who will love you imperfectly, seek love out in God's perfect love. Find your value and self-worth in Him.

The bottom line is that if you aren’t loving yourself, appreciating yourself, or having fun enjoying your life while you are single, being in a relationship with another person won’t provide that for you.

Learn to love yourself. If you don’t learn love yourself and treat yourself right first, no one will.

Action steps:

1.       Work on becoming the kind of person that your ideal partner is looking for. Ask yourself, “What kind of person is my dream-girl/guy looking for?”

You can: Take self-improvement courses, work on accomplishing some of your goals, do some spring cleaning, make some wardrobe adjustments (this does not have to be expensive or excessive), make some changes in your finances, diet, how you spend your time, etc.

2.       Find fulfillment where you are in your own life right now. Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy. Enjoy your singleness! (It’s a time, that for many, will only come once! So enjoy it while you can!)

You can:  Spend more quality time with friends, take a trip, pick up a hobby, go dancing, go laser-tagging, take a hike, enjoy life, read a book, cook, go scuba diving, whale watching, walk on the beach, buy yourself flowers, exercise, laugh more, watch more movies, learn a new language, set a goal and accomplish it, whatever you find enjoyable and productive, do that! If you don’t learn love yourself and treat yourself right first, no one will.

 

If you found any of what you've read useful or inspirational, you pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation Part 1: Dating.

 

Additional recommendations: Too Close, Too Soon, Jim Talley & Bobbie Reed; The Heart of Love, Dr. John Demartini; The Soulmate Secret, Arielle Ford

 

Have a great week everyone! ;-)

It's All About Focus!

I had a revelation one day as I was studying tissues while working in the biology lab. I realized that just as whatever point I chose to focus my microscope on would immediately become magnified and larger, so it goes the same with our focus in life. I realized that it's whatever we choose to set our focus on that becomes most important, grand, or large in our life.

Life is like looking through a microscope: What you choose to focus on is what will be magnified!

It's like this: Have you ever met someone who you thought was initially attractive, until they told you how horribly self-conscious they were of the extremely small mole on the side of their cheek? All of a sudden, the once-attractive qualities you perceived in the other person seem small compared to the suddenly gargantuan mole hanging off the side of their face! Or maybe you've experienced the distraction of sitting in class and listening to the instructor, until someone points out how loud the air conditioner sounds. All of a sudden, it becomes seemingly impossible to focus on anything but the ridiculously loud hum of the A.C! The reason for this is because your focus changed. It changed from the attractive qualities of a person, to their not-so attractive qualities. It changed from listening to the voice of your professor, to the loud hum of the A.C. Nothing changed circumstantially. Nothing changed except what you were focusing on.

You hold the power and the key to utilize your Focus to the best of your advantage.

Most top athletes know the importance of monitoring their focus. Instead of choosing to focus on the physical pain they feel, they change their focus onto how great their victory will be for having been so disciplined. They focus on bettering themselves, on shaping and transforming their body into a winning machine! Like athletes, you too hold the power to utilize your focus to the best of your advantage. Either you can choose to focus on all the things you are lacking in your life, and as a result feel depressed, discouraged, and hopeless. Or, you can choose to choose to focus on all the things you have to be grateful for--no matter how small; whether it is the roof over your head, the fact that you're alive, or your amazing ability to read this post--and as a result, feel immensely blessed, grateful, joyful, productive, and happy! You can focus on your immense work load and feel stressed, or you can choose to focus on how good it will be once you get your work done. You can focus on how lonely you may feel, or you can change your focus onto making someone else's day and as a result feel great for having made a selfless contribution that benefitted someone else. I hope you can see how extremely important monitoring your focus is, and that you have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

You have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

I want you to try this: Look around the room and within 10 seconds, try to find as many brown objects as possible. Ready? Go!

Finished?

Okay, now without looking around the room again, try telling me all the blue things that you saw.
I can guarantee that you're not able to list nearly as many blue things as you were able to list brown things. And why is that? It's because you were too busy focusing on all the brown to recognize any of the blue! Life is the same way. Please don't miss out on seeing all the wonderful "blue" because you were far too busy being concerned with all the muck and "brown." Enjoy each moment to its fullest by learning to monitor what you focus on! It is a habit that will benefit you, your life, and those around you (positive people bring others up) for years to come!

Don't miss out on all the "blue" because you're too busy focusing on all the "brown!"

Action Steps:
1. Gratitude List
There are a couple things you can do to drastically change your focus for the better. The first thing you can do is make a gratitude list. Every morning when you wake up, write down at least 3-5 new things that you're grateful for and review the list again at night.
2. Help Someone in Need
Second, you can change your focus off of yourself and onto someone else! If you're feeling miserable with your current circumstances there may be a chance that you've become overly absorbed with the problems you’re facing. There's a famous quote that says something like, "the best way to solve your problems is by helping someone else solve theirs." Taking the time to help someone else out of their loneliness, struggles, or hurt helps you get your focus off of yourself and onto someone else, and your problems immediately become much less daunting.

I hope you found this information useful, inspirational, and practical to every-day life. If you'd like more inspiration, you can pick up a copy of my book TNT:TeeNage Transformation --Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever!

Have a great week everybody! ;-)