If you’re single and have been looking for and desiring a relationship, then I want to propose a challenge to you: Instead of “searching” and looking for that special someone, work on instead becoming that special someone for someone else to find.
You’ve probably heard this before, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with keeping a look out for that special someone. The problem occurs when our search overrides the amount of time and energy we spend on actually improving ourselves. Many relationship problems occur because neither person believes that they have to change, they both are under the impression that their own way is right. If we carry this mentality when we are single, there’s a sure chance we’ll also carry it into our relationships as well. When it comes down to it, relationships are really about practicing humility and servant-hood. Instead of searching for someone to meet our needs, we need to change our focus onto how we can improve ourselves so that we can be a better partner for someone else someday. When it comes to solving relationship problems, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself--and that change needs to start while you're single.
To clarify the importance of what I mean by this: Ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person that my ideal partner is looking for?” If you’re honest, you may admit that there’s a little self-improvement you can do to prepare and grow yourself into becoming the kind of person that your ideal mate would like to find. Maybe you need to begin taking some action steps by hitting the gym, or start by being a little more disciplined in your finances. Maybe you seek someone with spirituality, but you aren’t living out that spirituality in your own life. No matter what stage of life you’re in, no matter how much money you have, or how great you may think you are, the fact is, there’s always room for improvement! By changing your focus off of finding “the one” and instead onto becoming “the one” you increase your chances of not only finding someone who values what you value, but who is also living out those values in their own life as well. Not only that, but your time of self-improvement will serve the relationship well when it does come time for you to be in one. In addition, the continual and constant steps you make towards self-improving will make you ridiculously irresistible to a number of suitors/suitresses. It’s like Karen Salmansohn of Instant Happy said, “ 'Sexy’ isn’t about what you wear. It’s about how you feel. The more passion you feel for yourself and your life, the more passion others will feel for you.” I know from experience and testimony this is absolutely true. The more you live in accordance with what you value, the more you continue to pursue the things in life which you are passionate about, and the more you continue to make steps towards improvement, the more people will notice those changes and feel a sense of attraction for you because people can sense the positive changes you're making, and you are living in a way that is inspiring to others.
Another thing I’d like to mention, is that many single people carry
the mentality that only when they are finally in a relationship will they be fulfilled and happy. This is a complete fallacy! Circumstances like relationship status, finances, and career may provide a temporary satisfaction when new, but as the newness wears off, the person who was initially unhappy will revert right back to their old state of discontentment. The reason for this, as the field of positive psychology has repeatedly proven, is that our mood is primarily based not upon circumstances, but our perspective about our circumstances. So unless you change your perspective about yourself and your temporary state of singleness, I can assure you that you’re not going to find someone to make you completely happy! Yes, it’s true that healthy relationships can bring us joy—we were created for relationships, and it’s good to have them. However it is not true that there is one human being that can fully fulfill and satisfy every one of our needs. We’re only human! Nobody can do that! We’re placing on them a burden that only God can fulfill. I’ve known many who search for love in the affection and attention of others, only to end up stuck in a cycle of revolving-relationships, and never happy because they base their love off of what someone else thinks of them, or how someone else treats them. What they fail to realize is that they must first learn to have a healthy self-love for themselves before getting into a relationship. Otherwise, they will be constantly taking and never able to give. They will be needy and dependent upon the other person in order to feel loved because they don’t already feel it for themselves. And a relationship that is based on dependence is certainly not a healthy one. You want to be in a relationship where both people are satisfied in their lives and at a point where they can both mutually give and receive love and affection. If you don’t love yourself, how can you fully love an other? Have a healthy love and appreciation for yourself first, before seeking out a relationship. If you don't have this kind of self- love, appretiation, and self- respect, it's likely you may end up settling for someone who doesn't show you the love you deserve because you don't think that you deserve any better. It's for this reason that many get trapped in emotionally or physically abusive relationships: They don't have enough self-love or self-respect to believe that they deserve or can do any better.
The bottom line is that if you aren’t loving yourself, appreciating yourself, or having fun enjoying your life while you are single, being in a relationship with another person won’t provide that for you.
1. Work on becoming the kind of person that your ideal partner is looking for. Ask yourself, “What kind of person is my dream-girl/guy looking for?”
You can: Take self-improvement courses, work on accomplishing some of your goals, do some spring cleaning, make some wardrobe adjustments (this does not have to be expensive or excessive), make some changes in your finances, diet, how you spend your time, etc.
2. Find fulfillment where you are in your own life right now. Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy. Enjoy your singleness! (It’s a time, that for many, will only come once! So enjoy it while you can!)
You can: Spend more quality time with friends, take a trip, pick up a hobby, go dancing, go laser-tagging, take a hike, enjoy life, read a book, cook, go scuba diving, whale watching, walk on the beach, buy yourself flowers, exercise, laugh more, watch more movies, learn a new language, set a goal and accomplish it, whatever you find enjoyable and productive, do that! If you don’t learn love yourself and treat yourself right first, no one will.
If you found any of what you've read useful or inspirational, you pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation Part 1: Dating.
Additional recommendations: Too Close, Too Soon, Jim Talley & Bobbie Reed; The Heart of Love, Dr. John Demartini; The Soulmate Secret, Arielle Ford
Have a great week everyone! ;-)