6 Reasons Why It's Really NOT You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines (especially if you're a woman, you know this is true). For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.

They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 

2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 

People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.

3. They Don't Want to Commit.

They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 

4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.

Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

Change Your Energy, Change Your Life

I've been learning more and more that life is all about state-management. Everything in your life is a result of your state of being. Therefore managing the state that you're in that you're in is incredibly important. The thoughts we think alter the state of being that we're in. If we think joy-filled thoughts, we will be filled with joy. If we think sad thoughts, we will be filled with sorrow. If your state of being is positive, it will help you attract all that you have and desire to have in your life, and vice versa. Therefore, if we desire great lives it is of the utmost importance that we manage our state of being by taking control of our thoughts. Another thing we can do to manage and positively transform our state of being is to actively seek activities that bring us joy, a sense of productivity, and a healthy self-esteem. For me, this means being disciplined in taking care of myself, spending time with those I love, spending time in nature, reading, writing, and learning new things, going on photo adventures, blogging, and making delicious vegan dishes. Ask yourself "What can I do right now that would bring me more joy?" Or have a list of things you find enjoyable to choose from that you can have at hand so that any time you are feeling negative; you can go out and do one of those things.

Remember that the energy you're holding is the point at which you are attracting all things into your life. In managing your state of being, you transform your life. If you change your energy, you change your life!
Teal Scott said that "Your emotions are an indication of what vibration you are holding, [and] your vibration equals your point of attraction for everything coming into your reality and everything you're convalescing with." And I couldn't agree more. We must be cognizant of the thoughts we think, and the words we speak in order to monitor our emotions and make sure they are in alignment with what we desire in life. I like the way the words of Frank Outlaw sum it up: 

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Emotions are energy in motion. The emotions we hold have the ability to create energy that is powerful enough to either positively or negatively alter our lives. Succumbing to negative emotions like boredom, pessimism, disappointment, doubt, discouragement, anger, blame, worry, jealousy, hatred, fear, grief, insecurity, or revenge are all a dangerous trap that can throw us into a downward spiral. Choosing to maintain and emit positive emotions like contentment, gratitude, hopefulness, optimism, expecting positive outcomes, enthusiasm, passion, joy, knowledge, empowerment, and appreciation are all powerful emotions that launch us into new levels of prosperity and enjoyment of life.  Choosing to do whatever is within your power to remain in the states of higher emotions is what will propel you closer to having the life you've always dreamed of!

It's All About Perspective!

Your emotions are extremely important because they let you know when your thinking is off-balance. In fact, we may think of negative emotions as a bad thing, when in reality they are actually quite useful. When you’re experiencing negative emotions it is an indicator that your thoughts are off-balance, and that it’s time to do something about it.

Think of your emotions as a “Thought Control” Meter that allows you to recognize when your thinking is off-balance.

 

Think of emotions as a thought-control meter: Every time you are feeling badly, it is simply a result of negative thoughts, every time you are feeling good, it is because you are dwelling on the things that are going well in your life. Granted, sometimes it is much easier to think and feel positively when things in our lives actually are going well, as opposed to when they are not (I’ll get to that in a moment). However, circumstances only account for a portion of our happiness. In fact, in Shawn Achor’s Best-selling book, The Happiness Advantage he reveals that research shows that only a small portion of our happiness is based on external circumstances. In fact, research continues to show that it is not so much about what happens to us, but rather our perspective of what happens to us. Achor explains, "What we are finding is that it is not necessarily the reality that shapes us, but [it is] the lens through which our brain views the world that shapes our reality [which then determines our happiness and productivity levels]... 90% of your long term happiness is predicted not by your external world, but by the way your brain processes your external world." In other words, it is your perception which determines your happiness. Jesus once said that, "Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness" (Luke 11:34). Not only was he saying that we need to guard what we allow into our minds, but he was also talking about guarding the way we percieve the world around us. What are eyes used for? For seeing! It is the way in which we see things that determines whether we are filled with "light" and positivity, or "darkness," sorrow, anger, and sadness.

There is a strong correlation between the quality of your thoughts and how you feel.

The great Greek philosopher, Epictetus confirmed this truth long ago by saying, "We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but our thoughts about what happens."

In Katie Byron’s Loving What Is, she also affirms that, “Whenever we experience a stressful feeling—anything from mild discomfort to intense sorrow, rage, or despair—we can be certain that there is a specific thought causing our reaction, whether or not we are conscious of it. The way to end our stress is to investigate the thinking that lies behind it.

It is not so much of what happens to us that determines our happiness, but our thoughts about what happens to us.

Your emotions are a result of your focus, and they are also an indicator when something in your mind (your thoughts) becomes off balance. Emotions are important because they let us know when are thoughts aren’t right. If your focus in on this world and all the tragedies and misfortunes that occur, then of course you're going to feel badly! If your focus is on all the insurmountable amount of work that you have to do and how it will take forever to get it done, then you're going to feel stressed! If your focus in on comparing yourself to others and all that you are lacking, then of course you're going to struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Are you beginning to see the correlation with the quality of your thoughts and how you feel? It all comes down to thoughts. If you guard what thoughts you allow to take root in your mind you'll be protecting your emotions which then translate into actions. As Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes.” In other words, you become what you think about! It is a simple yet profoundly important truth.

As a man thinks, so he becomes.

So once you’ve acknowledged that it is your off-balance thinking which is the root cause of your negative emotions, you can take action to start changing the way you feel by changing the focus of your thoughts. I know it can sometimes be difficult to think positively in a world where turmoil and chaos can seem most prevalent, where bills can pile high and the responsibilities everyday life can seem endless-- but the truth is it’s ALL about focus! As the old proverbs says: “We may not be able to change the winds of adversity, we can however, change the direction of our sails.”

You become what you think about!

One of my favorite quotes says, "If you look to the world you'll get depressed, if you look within you’ll get distressed, but if you look to God, you'll find rest" (Corrie Ten Boom).  When it comes to finding TRUE peace of mind and heart I've found that it is ultimately only God who can give us peace in the midst of a chaotic world or life. God’s word tells us:  “Let us run with patience the particular race (of life) that God has set before us. Keeping your eyes on Jesus, our leader and instructor …” (Hebrews 12:1–2 TLB). The key is to keep our eyes on Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Focusing on His word and His promises can greatly help you get centered on what matters and achieve peace and joy in all circumstances.