6 Reasons Why It's Really NOT You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines (especially if you're a woman, you know this is true). For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.

They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 

2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 

People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.

3. They Don't Want to Commit.

They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 

4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.

Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

How to Attract The Man or Woman of Your Dreams

About a two years ago (yeesh, time flies!), I became enchanted, maybe even a bit obsessed with the idea of finding my "Soulmate." You know, that man or woman of your dreams who will fulfill your every need and desire and with whom life will be forever blissfully perfect as long as you're with them? Well, sorry to break it to you and burst all of your hopeless romantic's imaginary love bubble, but there's no such thing. However, there is something EVEN BETTER. While no one person can satisfy and fulfill our every need, or make us feel blissfully wonderful 24/7 (that's a lot to ask from an imperfect human), I do believe there are special people in this world with whom we connect with on a deeper level than the superficial and feel deep sense of mutual understanding when we're with them. And while life with this person may not be 100% bliss, the support, encouragement, like-mindedness, intimacy, sense of community, and mutual understanding we get from this kind of relationship are by far worthwhile. Even the not-so-blissful moments of trial and struggle we face with this person serve their purpose by making us into better individuals and strengthening the relationship as a whole. (Relationships, I believe, are meant to be a BALANCE of support and challenge--you can read more about that in this post).

Although my quest towards finding my soul-mate has not yet led me to "the one" for me, I feel more confident now than ever that I am on the right path towards meeting him, and the invaluable lessons I've learned along my journey have taken me to a whole new level of openness, love, understanding, and appreciation for myself and towards others. In addition, the desire to be the best partner for my future partner by being a happy, healthy, balanced, stable, and responsible adult have led me to new levels of self-care, self-love, self-appreciation, and self-improvement.

And it's my desire to share a few of the valuable lessons that I've learned so that you can benefit from them too! So without further ado, here are a few of the things you can begin to do to start attracting the man or woman of your dreams into your life! Happy soul-searching and soul-mate-searching! :-)

1. Become The Kind Of Man Or Woman Your Ideal Partner Would Want To Be With.

My life changed the instant I heard Arielle Ford, author of "Soulmate Secret" pose the question, "If I told you that your soulmate was coming into your life in 72 hours, what would you want your life to look like?" In other words, is your life the way it is right now, the kind that you would want your dream man or woman to see? At that moment I looked around me and my room was an absolute mess, there was no room for company to come over, my skin was covered in break outs, I was struggling with depression, and I hadn't been to the gym in months. I realized my life was nothing close to what I would want it to look like if my dream partner were to walk through the door. So I started taking action: I cleaned up living space, got back into a consistent workout

regime, and switched to a Raw Vegan diet to get my skin cleared up and my body and mind in optimal health. As a result, my self-care was taken to a whole new level, and I realized the importance of loving and taking care of yourself before looking for someone to do that for you. Often times we have a great list of expectations when it comes to what we want in a partner, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that; the problem occurs when the things we expect from others we don't even do ourselves. One good question to ask ourselves is, "Would I date me?"

We can't expect our partner to be an all-rescuing savior relieving us from our debt, poor self-image, or whatever other issues we may have going on. We must be willing to take a good look in the mirror, see what needs improvement, and work on changing that ourselves. If we want to attract awesomeness into our lives, we must first start by being awesome ourselves. If you want to attract your dream man or woman, begin by asking yourself, "What kind of man or woman would my dream partner be looking for?" And live according to that.

2. Love Yourself. To further explicate my last point, I can't even begin to emphasize how important it is to have a healthy self-love, self-esteem, and self-worth. When you

don't love or care for yourself, you become much more likely to go seeking that love and approval from external sources, which can only end up attracting all kinds of crazy into your life. When you don't love and care for yourself, you are more likely to settle for less than what you truly deserve. Because your sense of worth is dependent upon how someone else feels about you or acts towards you, you become needy, desperate, and attract partners who may treat you poorly because they know how reliant you are upon them for love. Love yourself, take care of yourself, have enough self-respect and self-worth to walk away from relationships that are not healthy for you. Don't settle for less out of loneliness, but enjoy your season of singleness by loving yourself and taking care of you. Do this, and you'll be able to make much more sound decisions based on good judgment and discernment, rather than searching for love out of a lack of it, or because of low-self-esteem or loneliness.
How you feel about yourself will also be reflected in how you carry yourself. If you feel selfconscious, insecure, or confident and happy, your body language and energy you give off will be a reflection of that. A helpful exercise you can do is begin each morning by asking yourself: "How do I feel? (Do I feel fat, tired, overwhelmed, peaceful, confident, content, comfortable in my own skin?)" Hopefully the answer is an enthusiastic, "I FEEL GREAT!"  Because if you don't feel really good, your body language and the words you speak will be a reflection of that. If you feel great, you'll attract others who feel great about themselves as well. (Note: If you aren't feeling good about yourself, that should be an indication to you to do what you can to get back into the sweet zone of feeling good! For more tips on how to do so, read this post.)
Please note, that the love you have for yourself SHOULD NOT be upon condition. For example, "I'll love myself when I lose 5 pounds," or, "I love myself when ____ shows me love," or "I'll love myself when I land my dream job." It sounds silly to think that we would ever love ourselves solely on these external, temporal, and changing conditions; but we do it all of the time: basing our self-worth and amount we believe we deserve to be loved on things that are completely irrelevant to who we are. Our love for ourselves should be an appreciation for who we are as people, not based on what we own, what kind of car we drive, what kind of job we have. I love the way Deepak Chopra explains it in his book, The Path to Love, "Ultimately people are good because of who they are; goodness is a quality of being. Once we have made this discovery, we stop measuring people by their achievements. We expect goodness as a part of their essence, and ours. When this happens, we no longer expect a reward for doing good. We no longer bestow love when people are good to us and withdraw it when they are bad. Instead love becomes a constant in our lives. It just is. People who have reached this stage are in true possession of their love stories. They don't judge or live in fear of judgement." 

3. Know What You Want And Don't Settle. Just as you can't get anywhere in life if you don't know where you're going, you can't find what you're searching for if you don't know what it is you're searching for! It's important to know what it is that you desire in a partner, but also to keep an open mind. Know what traits you're willing to negotiate and what characteristics classify as definite deal-breakers. If you meet someone with an amazing personality or great character, but you don't like their hair cut or what kind of car they drive, you have to know what's more important to you. Your dream partner may not look like what you may expect them to, but once you get to know them you may realize they are what you've been looking for. Know what you desire, know what you're willing to compromise on, keep an open mind, and don't settle.

2. Be Yourself. When I say this, I don't mean it in the cliche, "Oh just be yourself and people will like you" type of way. It's much more than that. When you live authentically, you attract the people, the jobs, and the life circumstances that are in real alignment with what your heart truly desires. When you are not authentic with yourself, when you bend over backwards and into a pretzel to accommodate other people, or act out of character in order to gain approval, you only end up attracting people, work, and circumstances which are not in alignment with what you value, are passionate about, or will bring you true happiness. Be yourself and live authentically so that your life and the people that surround you will be a reflection of all that you love, value, and appreciate; and as a result, feel fulfilled, satisfied, understood, and appreciated for who you really are. 

4. Stay Positive. If you've been single for a long time, or have dated and can't seem to find someone compatible with you, it can be easy to fall into the dangerous trap of thinking negatively. Thoughts like, "I'm going to be alone forever!" or, "all men/ women are jerks!" can be easy to succumb to if we don't keep control over our thoughts. It's so important to stay positive, mentally and emotionally healthy, and happy! When we keep our thoughts positive, our energy is also positive, and we attract the kind of people that are also emotionally stable and happy as well. Men and women can tell when the person they are dating is miserable, negative, needy, insecure, or too clingy--and FYI--that kind of energy is simply NOT attractive. It's important to stay positive and maintain a life-loving attitude in order for you to be giving off the kind of confident, happy, positive, life-loving energy that is so irresistibly sexy to the opposite sex. (For a deeper understanding of managing your energy when dating, check out this post.)

5. Keep The Vision Alive. To help you stay positive and prevent you from settling for less, it's important to keep the vision of what you desire in the forefront of your mind. When you think of yourself, do you envision yourself the one that's always alone and without a partner while everyone else is skipping around you paired off in twos? Or do you envision yourself in a happy relationship, laughing with your partner, being playful with them, having fun in a relationship and being happy with that man or woman of your dreams? How you see yourself is very important because it will affect your mood, positivity (or lack of it), how you behave, and ultimately, whether you stay single or not. To help you maintain the vision of being in a happy relationship, you can visualize yourself in a happy one just as I described above, or you can enhance your vision by creating a dream board. To do this, simply cut out images from magazines or print them out from online that remind you of the love that is coming your way. These imagines should invoke a sense of joy, happiness, hopefulness, and love when you look at them. If they don't do that, then don't put them on your board. They can be pictures of romantic couples, places or things you'd like to do with your future partner, or photos of what you'd envision your ideal partner to look like. The bottom line is that looking at these photos should make you feel GOOD. They should get you excited for the love that is coming your way, remind you to stay grateful for the present, and keep you excited for wonderful future that awaits you.

6. Act "As If" Your Dream Partner Were Are Already In Your Life. Faith is such a powerful thing. The ancient text of Hebrews defines faith as "being sure of what we hope for, [and] being convinced of what we do not [yet] see" (Hebrews 11:1). Having faith is being convinced of something's existence before it even comes into actuality in the physical realm; and it is a necessity of manifestation and maintaining a positive attitude. Without faith, we lose hope. To act in faith, it's important to act "as if" the partner of our dreams were already in our lives. In Ford’s book, she describes how she would “act as if” her soul-mate was already in her life by buying cards for him, concert and event tickets she knew they would go to together. She would even set a place mat at the dinner table and cook for two to envision her partner as already on his way, and it wasn’t before long before their paths crossed, they fell in love, and have been happily married since.

Another way you can act “as if” is by making space for your future partner. Is your schedule so jam-packed that you don’t have time for a significant other, let alone time to go out on dates? Is your closet and living space so full that there is absolutely no room for another person? Start acting in faith by making room for your partner. Nature abhors a vacuum. Make room for your partner, and before you know it, it will be filled.  

7. Heal Old Wounds. Before you can be in any kind of serious relationship, it’s important to do your best in healing wounds, cleaning up and letting go of the past. How can you get a grasp of all that the future has in store if you’re clenching tightly to what’s already behind you? Seek advice, get counseling, write in a journal, pray, meditate, exercise, set goals, spend time with friends and loved ones, get closure, spend time for yourself, do whatever it is that you need to do in order to feel whole, happy, healthy, and complete before searching for someone to complete you and fill any emotional void you may have.  Do this, and you’ll be well on your way to finding not a person who is perfect, but someone who perfectly complements you.

I hope you found this information useful, and wish you all the best in your endeavors with love!

All my love, Brigitte

The Purpose of Relationships: A Balancing Act of Support and Challenge

I had an interesting conversation today with someone who asked me, "What do you think the purpose of relationships are?" 

In my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation, I talk about the purpose of dating and why it's important to know your reason for dating so you'll avoid wandering aimlessly through relationships and actually have a set goal in mind. (For example: Are you dating just to have fun? To seek out options for a possible future spouse? Do you hope to one day get married? These are all important things to consider to make sure you and your partner are on the same page!) 

But the purpose of relationships in general is a little different. Personally, I believe that relationships are meant to be a balance of both Challenge and Support. They are meant to challenge us into becoming better people, inspiring us to become the best version of ourselves, and push us to our limits of growth and reaching our full potential. I believe they are also meant to support and encourage us. It's important to have a relationship in which we feel we are being valued, acknowledged, cared for, and can have that "shoulder to cry on." In other words, someone to trust, confide in, and know that even if you share your deepest secrets with that person, that you will still be accepted by them. 

Take note though, that there MUST be a BALANCE of Challenge AND Support. If you have only support, neither individual is growing neither as a couple, nor individually. The relationship flat-lines because there's no challenge in helping the relationship grow, become stronger, better, and more intimate than it was before. Life thrives on contrasts, and it is no different in relationships.

However, if you have TOO much Challenge and not enough support; if there is constant strife and argumentativeness, if the moments where you get along as a couple are rare, then the relationship you have is dysfunctional and there's not really a point to staying in it if both of you are completely miserable!

So as I hope you can see, relationships are meant to be a balanced act of both Challenge & Support. 


I hope you found this post interesting or informative, and I'd LOVE to hear what YOUR perspective on the purpose of relationships is, so please feel free to comment below! 
Have a wonderful week everybody! :-) xoxo

Love on Purpose

To all of my readers seeking love and a meaningful relationship, here is an amazing opportunity to get some priceless information and insights on love, dating, relationships, and intimacy! I really encourage anyone and everyone seeking to cultivate meaningful love in their life to join this live podcast. Amazing authors, speakers, and love coaches such as author John Gray of Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus, love coach Lauren Frances, inspirational author Karen Salmansohn, and many more will be speaking and sharing their secrets and insights on love!
Go to:
www.loveonpurposerevolution.com/now
Starting April 15th-May 17, Monday-Friday, 5:00PM Pacific / 7:00PM Central / 8:00PM

Enjoy! :-)