Lately
I've been contemplating a lot about what components constitute a
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| The Hebrew Symbol for Love, "Ahava" |
lasting,
fulfilling, and spectacular loving relationship. I know there are many key ingredients
necessary to make a relationship last, like openness, ability to communicate,
compromise, and even sometimes make self-sacrificing decisions.
But
if you're anything like me, you'll research something until you find a solid
answer! So that's what I did, and I found an interesting consistency in what I
found. Listen up! Because here are the 3 ingredients to having a spectacular,
lasting, and satisfying relationship of a lifetime!
A
few months ago, I heard a love coach and relationship expert by the name of
Cherry Norris say that there are 3 things a romantic relationship must have in
order for it to flourish. Those 3 things were: Like, Lust,
and Love:
Like—Meaning that you actually enjoy the company of
the person you are with. This is a more of a friendship-based kind of feeling.
If you have great chemistry with someone, yet there’s nothing more, and
something about them rubs you the wrong way, if you despise that person or
can’t stand being in their presence, then don’t tolerate it! That person is
obviously not for you. (This should be obvious, but you'd be surprised as to what some people put up with!)
Lust—This is referring to the sexual chemistry
between a couple. You can have a relationship that lacks the lust, but it’s
most likely you’ll feel only friendship towards them and not much else. The
relationship won’t feel as fulfilling as it could be without this component.
Love—This goes beyond physical or sexual attraction and
friendship. The love aspect of a relationship is having a deep emotional
connection, affinity towards that person, and desire to be with them on a whole
other level. Love is not a selfish desire, as lust can often be, but is
completely self-less in its nature and has a desire to give to that person even
without expectancy of anything in return. Love is a genuine concern for the
other person’s well-being.
To gain a better
understanding of what these terms really mean, we’re going to have a little
lesson in Greek 101. In Greek, here are the three words that help us further
comprehend the 3 components of spectacular love:
The first word is:
Philos—(“Like”) This is a brotherly love, completely
platonic, or the kind of love you have for your friends. Philos is the root of
where we get words like “philanthropic”—it has nothing to do with romance or
sex, just an affinity and loving devotion similar to that between a mother and
child. It’s also where we get the word “philoprogenitive.”
The next word is:
Eros—(“Lust”) This is a romantic lust, sexual
desire, or sexual yearning. Eros was the ancient Greek god of carnal love, son
of Aphrodite (goddess of love). This term also refers to libido or sex drive.
It’s the root of where we get words like “erotic.”
And lastly,
Agape—(“Love”) T his kind of love is unconditional and all-consuming. It
is a love that is not sexual, but spiritual in its nature. It’s a non-erotic
love that is selfless and can be seen in Christ’s relationship (or God’s loving
relationship) towards us humans.
The last correlation I
want to make is between these words comes from the Hebrew language. In Hebrew,
the 3 words depicting different types of love are: Raya, Dod, and Ahava.
Raya—The “Friendship” aspect of a relationship. Its Greek
equivalent is Philos. It literally means best friend, companion, neighbor, or
soul-mate. In the Bible, we see in the book of Song of Songs (or Songs of
Solomon) one of the greatest collection of love poems that uses this word
“Raya:”
“How beautiful
you are, my darling [Raya]! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.” Song
of Songs 1:15
“Like a lily among
thorns is my darling [Raya] among the maidens.” Song of Songs 2:2
“How beautiful you are,
my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair
is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead." Song of Songs 4:1
"All beautiful you
are, my darling [Raya]; there is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7
Dod—The “Intimacy” or sexual element of a relationship. The Greek
equivalent of “Eros.” Dod can literally translate to the word “lover,”
“beloved,” “bridegroom,” or “fiancé.” It can also refer to the physical act of
love-making and can translate as “to carouse,” “to rock,” or, “to fondle.” Dod
is also seen many times in the book of S.O.S:
“Let him kiss me with
kisses of his mouth, for his love [Dod] is more delightful than wine.” -Song of Songs 1:2
"My lover [Dod] is
to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” -Song of Songs 1:13
“Like an apple tree
among the trees of the forest is my lover [Dod] among the young men. I delight
to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste”- Song of Songs 2:3
“Your mouth [is] like
the best wine. May the wine go straight to my lover [Dod], flowing gently over
lips and teeth...The mandrakes send out their fragrance, and at our door is
every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my
[Dod]." –Song of Songs 7:9
& 13
"Come, let us drink
our fill of love [Dod] until morning; Let us delight ourselves with caresses.”
-Proverbs 7:18
Ahava—The final word, Ahava, is the “Commitment” aspect of a
relationship. Similar to the Greek word, “Agape.” This is a strong and powerful
emotion that leads to commitment. It makes sacrifices to meet the other
person’s needs. It is love of the will, a choice, it is making the decision of
commitment that joins your life to another’s and is far deeper than the
fleeting feelings of romance or sexual desire. This love is so powerful, that
in the book of Songs of Solomon, it is described to be as strong as death:
“Many waters cannot
quench the flame of love [Ahava]; rivers cannot wash it away.” Song of Songs 8:7
“Place me like a seal
over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love [Ahava] is as strong as
death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a
mighty flame.” Song of Songs 8:6
One thing I’ve
recognized, is that as humans, we were created to experience these three types
of love together, not separate. Many relationships today often pursue the
“Dod,” the sexual aspect, without having the “Raya” or “Ahava,” the friendship,
and deep loving, self-sacrificing concern and commitment—and therefore they
miss out on all of the fullness and joy that a loving, committed, and deeply
spiritually-connected relationship that love has to offer. There’s also a
progression of these types of love—there’s an order in which them come. If you
pursue the sexual element “Dod” first, without having experienced the friendship
or having the commitment of “Ahava” you risk missing out and losing on how
truly spectacular love in its fullest can be.
I’d like to leave you
off with one last thought to meditate on that will help you further grasp what
love truly is:
“Love is patient,
Love is Kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It does not dis-honor others,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the Truth.
It always protects,
Always Trusts,
Always Hopes,
Always Preserves.
Love never fails.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
May you honor
love, and be inspired not to settle for just one of these 3 forms over
another, but pursue love in all its fullness, and experience all that it has to
offer!
And for those of you who prefer the audio version, here's a video I made just for you! ;-)
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