6 Reasons Why It's Really NOT You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines (especially if you're a woman, you know this is true). For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.

They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 

2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 

People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.

3. They Don't Want to Commit.

They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 

4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.

Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

6 Detrimental Dating Energies—and What You Can Do To Eradicate Them!

When it comes to anything in life, the beliefs you hold to be true in your mind affect your attitude, which in turn affects the energy or “vibrations” you give off—and this is especially true when it comes to dating. When someone is miserable, it’s likely that their way of thinking is completely sour, and the negative feelings they are give off to those around them are almost palpable. In contrast, when someone has a positive outlook on life, you can just sense the joy emitting from their being. You’ve probably heard people say before “that person has really great/bad vibes.” Well when it comes to dating, it is no different! There are some very detrimental “energies” that can ruin the chances of you finding love and cause your dates to go running for the hills! In contrast, there is the kind of positive energy that is so irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex, that once you emit it, your ability to attract will be like bees drawn to a honeycomb. To help you avoid any of these detrimental dating energies (and to help you get into the right one), I’d like to introduce to you a few of my “friends” I think we could all learn from… I’ve characterized these energies in both masculine and feminine versions to show that they are not discriminant of gender, and that anyone can fall subject to these detrimental dating energies if we allow them to.

1.       “Desperate Debra.” Desperate Debra is so eager to find a partner that she reeks of “desperation breath.” She doesn’t give her partners any room and her smothering ends up pushing them away. Don’t be a Desperate Debra, it’s not attractive to anyone (except maybe for Desperate Danny, that is).

“Desperate Danny.” Your date has hardly ended and Danny has already left you 12 voicemails about how he can’t wait until your next date. Danny is so eager to be in a relationship that he doesn’t give his partners any room to breathe and ends up scaring them away. Desperate Danny isn’t attractive to anyone (except maybe for Desperate Debra).

2. Careless Cara and Too-Cool Carl.  Complete opposites of Desperate Danny and Debra, are Careless Cara and Too-Cool Carl. While approaching others from a state of desperation is not attractive, being completely aloof to others is not either. Cara and Carl are so care-less and "cool," the people they date can hardly tell if they are interested enough. And it's not so much that Carl and Cara aren't interested, it's just that they have been hurt in the past from putting their feelings on the table and have decided for themselves that it's easier to "play it cool" and down-play their feelings rather than express what's truly going on. They have their defenses up, and as a result, end up coming across as cold and inaccessible. Instead of being like Careless Cara or Too-Cool Carl, choose to be authentic with others--your life will feel a lot more fulfilling as a result. 

3.       “Futurizing Filemina.” Poor Filemina, the hopeless romantic. Before her dates are even over she’s already planned the wedding and picked out names for their four future children. Filemina’s dates can sense this and get frightened by the fact that she’s moving too fast and falling too soon. Rather than getting to know her dates fully to even discover whether or not they’d be good partners for her, she’s already planned the honeymoon and is ready to send out the wedding invitations.

“Futurizing Frank.” Frank is a hopeless romantic, and while his sweet character is certainly endearing, he can sometimes allow his romantic idealism to get the best of him. After the first date he’s already planning what he wants to name their future children. And while the fact that Frank is ready for real commitment is highly attractive to most women, his overzealousness may scare many others away.

4.       “Judgemental Janice.” Janice doesn’t even need to say a word in order for you to know that she’s judging you. She looks at you from down her nose and her looks say it all: That shirt you’re wearing, what were you thinking? Those shoes, c’mon, we’re not in the 80’s anymore… and don’t even get me started on the hair. And the judgment doesn’t just end with the looks; Janice is also judging your character. Janice can’t see what a wonderful person the date that is sitting in front of her is because all she can think about is how they aren’t matching up to the incredibly long checklist of what her perfect man is supposed to be like. She’s so busy thinking about how her date doesn’t match up, that she doesn’t even realize her own judgmental attitude is a serious character flaw that is keeping love at bay. There’s no pleasing a judgmental Janice, and her dates can sense this and back off very quickly.

“Judgmental Jeff.” Jeff doesn’t even have to say a word for you to know he’s judging you. That outfit you wore totally clashes, and you can definitely tell he’s not pleased with your hair by the way he keeps eyeing you. Jeff makes remarks that make him come across as quite pretentious. He makes it very uncomfortable to be around him because it’s evident he’s judging you. Jeff can make even the most confident girls feel a bit unsettled, and his too-good-for-you disposition makes his eligible bachelorettes run for the hills.

5.       “Self-Conscious Sally” and “Insecure Inez.” Sally is so self-conscious, all she can do is talk about how her pants are too tight and her hips are too wide, and how her hair is not straight enough. Instead of talking to her dates and getting to know them, she is completely consumed with herself. Her friend, Insecure Inez is so unsure of herself, instead of enjoying the date, all she can think about is wondering what her date is thinking of her. Thoughts about herself consume her. Her date might as well not even be there, Inez is only focused on herself and all of her insecurities.

“Self-Conscious Steve” and “Insecure Ivan.” Steve and his friend Ivan are very insecure. They hardly date, because they are too shy to ask anyone out, but when they do their lack of confidence and insecurity acts as a deterrent for their dates. They are not unattractive men, but their lack of security makes them appear that way. All they can do is worry about how they look, or about how the date is going, or what their date is thinking about them, rather than simply enjoying the date and getting to know who they are with! 

6. Negative Nina. Negative Nina is a cousin of Self-conscious Sally, but not only does Nina say negative things about her body, but she complains about everything, from what the weather is like to the traffic, or her job. Nina's most detrimental downfall however, is her attitude when it comes to men and dating. Her attitude towards love and life in general is so pessimistic, she doubts she will ever meet a man. Nina speaks Negative words like "All men are jerks and players who only want one thing!" When she does happen to meet someone, she allows her negative thoughts to rule her, slimming the chances of her finding love by saying and thinking things like "He probably just wants to use me! I bet he's just like all the other men I've dated!" It's apparent Nina's attitudes towards love and dating must have been acquired through some emotionally painful and heartbreaking experiences, however, she's allowed these experiences to make her callous, scathed, and resentful towards men. Rather than keeping a youthful, fresh, and optimistic outlook on love and dating, she's allowed life experiences to beat her into the morbid, pessimistic person that she is. Her negativity is like a dark cloud, that immediately scares off eligible suitors, and potentially ends up attracting the wrong men who prey off of insecure and unhappy women.

Negative Nate. Nate always has something negative to say, whether it be about the weather, his job, or the person who cut him off earlier in traffic. Nate would be quite the attractive young bachelor, but as soon as he opens his mouth, his negativity is offsetting and sends his potential partners running for the hills. If Nate ever wants to find a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, healthy woman, he'll need to kick his negativity to the curb and adopt a more optimistic attitude that attracts women to men like bees on honey. 

Their biggest hindrance is that they are far too insecure.

Now that I’ve given you a brief introduction to my “friends,” I’d like to ask, “What kind of energy are YOU giving out?”

The energy you give out when you date is of the utmost importance. I’m sure at one point or another, we’ve all been a little like Desperate Debra or Danny, Insecure Inez or Ivan, Judgmental Janice or Jeff, or Futurizing Filemina or Frank. But what matters is recognition. If we desire success in our relationships, it’s important to ask ourselves, “What kind of energy am I giving out?” Hopefully it’s nothing like any of my bad-vibe “friends,” because there’s only one type of energy that will attract the man or woman of your dreams, and it is an energy of love, confidence, self-assurance, joy, and acceptance. Like my friends Sexy Sadie or Striking Stan:

1.       “Sexy Sadie.” Sadie’s confidence emanates off of her skin. She’s almost glowing. When she walks into a room, all heads turn. Is it what she’s wearing? No, it can’t be… Is it how she looks? No, it’s something else… Sadie has a certain “je nais c’est quoi,” and it comes from her overwhelming sense of confidence and self-assurance. Sadie knows who she is and she doesn’t have anything to prove to any man.  She takes care of herself by staying disciplined, getting enough sleep, going to the gym, and eating right—so she feels good from the inside out—and it shows! Sadie enjoys life, loves adventure, adores people, and isn’t in dire need to find someone to make her happy. She is happy. Sadie is positive, optimistic, outgoing, and fun-loving. Because her thoughts are positive, her way of thinking translates into all that she does. Her happiness radiates and touches everyone she meets. Men can’t help but fall for her, her energy is so magnetic it’s almost impossible to resist. 

“Striking Stan” Stan is one irresistible man. It’s not so that he’s the best looking man there is, but his confidence, kindness, friendliness, and charm make him one hot tamale. Stan’s sense of humor makes him so attractive. He laughs at life, and while mature, knows not to take things so seriously. His kindness and charm—which come from an inner peace, confidence, and knowing who he is—make him irresistible to nearly every woman he meets.

Remember that when it comes to dating, it’s all about the energy you’re giving out. It’s why friends will often tell you that you’ll find the right one once you’ve stopped looking. That’s because when you’re looking for someone your energy is very different than when you are not. It’s so important to be in a state of love for yourself, for life, and for others if you want to feel confident and happy, and ultimately, attract the same kind of confident, happy, stable, and kind person. So if you’re not happy being single, the type of people you’re going to attract will be a reflection of that, and the people you date will be able to sense any desperate, judgmental, overly eager, or insecure state of being. The good news is, you can change your energy, and it doesn’t require rocket science! You can begin making simple changes in how you treat yourself, and your perspective towards life that will make all of the difference when it comes to your energy levels of attraction.

Your goal should be to feel so good about being single and where you are in your life that it should not matter to you whether or not you have a significant other. I understand this isn’t always the easiest thing to do (for someone who has experience with being single for years, trust me, I know! But the more you practice it, the easier it becomes). It’s so important to achieve this state of being content with being alone. It’s important to want but not need; to desire someone but not be dependent upon them for your happiness. Basically, to get into a place of feeling so good on your own, that a relationship would only be the cherry on top of the icing. I love how the words of British-Somali poet, Warsan Shire embody this concept: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude!”  That is the state you want to get into! For a more detailed description of what you can do to transform your energy into this kind of magnetizing and attractive one, read my post on “The Key To Being Irresistibly Attractive(The Secret Formula for Attaining a Certain ‘Je Ne Sais Quoi’)”!

TNT: TeeNage Transformation -Part 1: Dating

I’m very excited to announce that my first book of its series has now been made available to the public!TNT: TeeNage Transformation -Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever!! (Part 1: Dating) is a book guaranteed to give a perspective, knowledge, and helpful advice along the journey of finding true fulfillment, peace, healing, and love.