How to Learn New Behaviors, Create New Habits, and Cultivate Positive Change that Lasts

Whether it’s sticking to a diet, attempting to learn a new language or instrument, spend less money, exercise more, or actually stick with your New Year’s resolutions, there are some very important things to know about the human psyche before conquering any feat or accomplishing any goal—and this post will help you make simple adjustments in your life that will help you get closer to achieving your goals with efficacy and swiftness.

1.       Create New Habits

When it comes to making any behavioral change, we must start by

changing our habits. The "father of American Psychology," Physician, and Philosopher William James said we are "mere bundles of habit," biologically prone to routine. Aristotle explained this by expressing: "We are what we repeatedly do." It is true that we are creatures of habit, and the majority of our day consists of doing things that come naturally to us because we've made them habitual; as a result, these things come to us fairly easily and effortlessly. We don’t need to put much conscious effort into brushing our teeth, or driving to work, and the same is true of behaviors we make habitual. The issue lies within actually transforming a desired behavior from a painstakingly effort-driven goal, into an easy, effortless habit. Luckily for you, the following tips will teach you how to do just that!

2.       Know that Will power alone is not enough

When we desire to create lasting change, we must know that will power is not enough. In fact, not only is will power not enough, but psychological studies prove that the more will-power is used, the more our ability to utilize it is weakened. Participants in a study who were told they were not permitted to eat the chocolate chip cookies sitting on the plate in front of them while attempting to solve a difficult puzzle gave up on the feat much faster in contrast to those who were told they could eat the cookies if they wished. Rather than attempting to change a behavior through will power alone, there are a few things we can do to make our journey through self-improvement a bit easier: 

3.       Strive for Progress, Not for Perfection

There is a practice known as “kaizen” which is Japanese for “continuous improvement.” Far too often we put stringent, binding, and unattainable goals with ridiculous time restraints that end up making us feel trapped or like failures when we fail to accomplish them. While it’s important to push the limits of possibility by stretching our goals and striving for excellence, it’s equally important not to expect immediate results all at once. As Achor puts it, “[Our goals should be] not so easy that we don’t have to try, but not so difficult that we get discouraged and give up.” Rather than attempting to stick to strict, self-imposed rules and regulations, the key should be to strive for “kaizen,” or “continuous improvement.”

William James described this as making "daily strokes of effort." This concept brings truth to the maxim: "Practice makes perfect." In striving for progress, not perfection, we take the pressure not to fail off of ourselves and make the growth process much more enjoyable.

4.       Put The Desired Behavior On The Path Of Least Resistance, and The Undesired Behaviors on the Path of Greatest Resistance

In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Sean Achor describes the “20 second rule” which shows that creating a 20 second barrier between you and your undesired behavior, and a 20 second shortcut to the desired habit generates lasting change. The reason for this is because the more resistance we face in trying to create a new habit, the less likely we are to implement change towards creating that habit. And vice versa, the less resistance we face, the more likely we are to change. The same goes for undesired behaviors as well. When we create barriers to our undesired behaviors, we are less likely to engage in them. Implementing the 20 second rule and using it to your advantage may look something like taking out the batteries from your remote control in order to watch less television, or leaving books or instruments readily accessible and out in the open where you are more likely to pick them up as they are in your direct vision. Achor even described sleeping in his gym clothes until he made early-morning work-outs an indispensable practice.

5.       Take Baby Steps, Not Grandeur Leaps

We’re much more likely to give up on our goals if we set unrealistic expectations. We can’t write a book before writing a page, and we can’t run a marathon before running a mile. The point is that we should start small, and work our way onto larger feats. Achor refers to this as “expanding our circles,” like Zorro practiced fighting enemies from a small circle until he was strong and capable enough to move out of that restricted area. This way, we don’t run the risk of becoming completely overwhelmed by the task at hand and are less likely to give up because we are taking small steps rather than wearing ourselves out through grandeur leaps. If you’re trying to eat healthier, simply start by adding more fruits and vegetables into your diet rather than going cold-turkey on junk food and feeling like you’re restricting yourself (remember what I said in Point #2 about wearing out our will power!). If you’re trying to save more money, start by putting a few dollars aside every week rather than pressuring yourself to save hundreds at a time. (You get the idea). Small, consistent changes are what yield lasting, positive results in our lives.

As always, I hope you found these tips useful and informative. I hope you discovered a new-found sense of courage in taking on your goals, and may these tools bring some ease to you on your journey towards self-improvement! :-) 
Much Love,
Brigitte
xo

Falling Upward--Using Adversity to Your Advantage

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger? New Studies on the psychological phenomenon known as “Post-Traumatic Growth”  reveal truth behind this age-old maxim. Read this post to discover how you can use your Adversities to Your Advantage.

For years, psychology has promoted the idea that after facing a life-altering adversity or traumatic event, that there are two possible outcomes for the victim: Either you emerge from your problem with normalcy, or you revert backwards and end up worse than you were before, suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

 However, newer research in the realm of positive psychology shows that this is simply not true, and that there is another possible outcome for people who have had their share of adversity: It’s known as “Post-Traumatic Growth,” or as Best-Selling Author and Leading expert in human potential, Sean Achor likes to put it, “Falling upward.”

Study after study has shown that those who experience adversity, suffering, loss, life-threatening illnesses, poverty, war, mistakes, failures, and disappointments have the profound opportunity to use those pains or failures as a catapult or fuel to their success, bringing truth to the old adage, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Increase in humility, compassion, inner strength, courage, resilience, spirituality, even happiness, deeper intimacy in relationships, and overall greater life satisfaction are just a few of the positive “side effects” of those who choose to “fall upward,” take the path of “Post-Traumatic GROWTH” and use adversities to their advantage.

In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Achor explains that the key factor in distinguishing whether a person will grow in the midst of adversity, or not is their mindset. It is those who define themselves not by what has happened to them, rather by what they can make out of what has happened to them that determines their outcome of extraordinary success, or failure. As one of my favorite quotes states: “You may not be able to change the winds of adversity, you can however change the direction of your sails.”

Although we may not be able to change what happens to us, we most certainly can choose how we react. Oscar Wilde once said,  “What seems to us like bitter trials are often ‘blessings in disguise.’” When we choose to see every setback as yet another opportunity for growth, or a “blessing in disguise,” we have harnessed the power of “Falling Upward” and open the door for a whole new world of opportunities for success. 

As always, I hope you were encouraged by this post and inspired to use your adversities to your advantage by choosing to “Fall Upward.” Have a wonderful week everyone! xx

Letting Go of the "Unchangeable"

I was contemplating this morning how in the past I've tried so hard to change things in my life that couldn't be changed, and how much I've resisted those unchangeable things without simply "letting things be." This led me to realize that in life there are things you can control, and things you can't control, and what will determine your altitude is your ability to let go of the things you can't control, and focus your energy on what you DO have the power to change. 

I asked myself the question, "What are you going to do with what you've been given?"

We've all been dealt certain "cards" but in life, and it's not a matter of what cards you've been dealt but how well you learn how to play them. 

I've learned that in life, there are things we can change, and there are things we can't change. Don't waste all of your time trying to change things that can't be changed! Instead focus and invest your energy on the things you CAN change--and work on that. You may not always be able to control what happens to you, but you most certainly can control how you react to what happens to you. Or as one of my favorite quotes says, "You may not be able to change the winds of adversity, you can however, change the direction of your sails." 

If you're struggling in life with letting go of all the "unchangeable" and are spending too much time investing all of your energy and emotions on things you can't change, then I strongly encourage you to do this exercise: 

• Take a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle. 
• On one side, write: "Things I can't Change" and make a list of all of the things in your life that you can't change and that you have no control over. 
• On the other side of the paper, write: "Things I CAN Change" and make a list of all the things that you CAN change. I think you'll find you have control and the power to change a lot more than you thought you could! Your attitude and your mindset (whether it is one of gratitude or complaint), have A LOT to do with the way your life is right now. So if you don't like your EXTERNAL conditions, it's time to grab a hold of what's going on inside your mind (Your INTERNAL conditions)  in order to accomplish any change and see the results in your physical world! (P.S. Don't forget to write down on your list of things you can change your amazing ability to self-improve! Change yourself and you change [your/the] world!

Making this kind of list is SO important because it puts us in a state of accountability. Once we realize how great our power to evoke change in our lives truly is, it becomes apparent that the undesirable circumstances in our life that we once blamed on "the Universe," or a higher power, or even other people is really within our power to change--instead of being able to blame someone or something for the way things are, we become accountable for our thoughts, words, and actions that created the results we're complaining about! 

I'd like to share one thing that was on my list of "Things I Can Change." It was my

attitude. I think this is the biggest issue I've struggled with in the past, and looking back on my life now I think of all the time I spent suffering, complaining, crying, and whining about things I thought could have been better or different in my life, only to come to realize that all that time I spent unhappy about my circumstances was time and energy WASTED on the "unchangeable," when I could have CHOSEN to change my focus, and spend that time being happy instead! I finally made a shift in my thoughts when I realized that time spent in remorse, anger, regret, or dwelling on loss is time WASTED! And life is far too short to waste any time on those kinds of negative emotions. Life is short, so choose to change your focus, let go of the unchangeable, and as a result: BE HAPPY! 

Now that you've made your list of what is within your power to change for the better, I'd like to ask you again, "What are you going to do with what you've been given?" ;-)

I wish you all a lovely and abundant week! Love you all! xx

Don’t Let Fear to Hold You Back: How Acknowledging Fear Could be the Key to Fulfilling your Dreams, Attaining Goals, and Living a Life That is Truly Fulfilling

Many people live their lives in constant fear, and more often than not, they do so unconsciously and unintentionally! They don’t even realize that it is fear that’s holding them back! Fear holds us back from doing what we love and what we are meant to do, and this post will help you discover what kinds of fear may be limiting you and what you can do to exterminate the fears and live your fullest, most satisfying life. Take a look at some of the most common fears and see if you’ve ever fallen victim to allowing them to have any control in your life:

Fears are limiting beliefs that inhibit us from taking action and reaching our fullest potential.

1.       Fear of Pain/ disappointment

Number one on the list is the fear of pain or disappointment. Sometimes we don’t pursue certain things in life because we’re too afraid that if we don’t get the results we want, hope, or expect, that we will be hurt or disappointed. Pain and disappointment happen in life regardless of whether we pursue our dreams or not, the only difference is that while pursuing your goals, the pain you experience teaches you how to get closer to that goal, rather than experiencing the pain and remorse of not having tried hard enough to accomplish them. The fear of pain is a common fear that prevents us from reaching our full potential. Sometimes we may distance ourselves from people, or avoid taking risks because we are afraid of being hurt by them.

2.       Fear of Rejection

Next on the list is fear of rejection, another common fear that occurs when we become worried that our ideas or our personality might be rejected by someone we admire, or even popular culture and society. When we think this way and become overly-concerned with what others may think of us—about whether or not they will reject us or accept us—we alter who we are to accommodate the needs and beliefs of what others think we should be, rather than just being ourselves. When this happens, we are allowing the fear of rejection to hold us back and prevent us from taking any real, authentic action, and we act in a way that is not true to who we really are.

3.       Fear Of Other People’s Opinions

Similar to the fear of being rejected, other times, people may allow the fear of what others might think of them to creep in, and as a result, they can’t even lift a finger without worrying what someone else is going to think about it. If that sounds like you, then you’ve allowed the fear of other’s opinion to paralyze you.  It’s important to recognize that you can’t please everyone. If you don’t have any opposition or people who disagree with you, then it means you’re probably trying very hard to please everyone and are therefore compromising who you really are to be a people-pleaser rather than your true and authentic self. What’s ironic is that people appreciate authenticity more than someone who tries to accommodate the needs of everyone yet is fake, inauthentic, or phony in their work, actions, and/or behavior.

4.       Fear Of “Standing Out,” Being Weird, Or “Different”

The fourth kind of fear occurs when we are afraid to “stand out” and be weird, different, or unique—when we become afraid to go against the status quo and not settle for conformity. When we become worried or preoccupied with the idea that we might be thought of as weird, we fear being out-casted and rejected (this links back to #2 and #3) and therefore are held back from being ourselves and living to be our true self. Fear is a form of self-centeredness and is ego-based, and this fear in particular is one of self-absorption because it is the misconception that we are so different and unique from everyone else that no one will be able to relate to us. The truth is that we have a lot more in common with others than we think, and when we are open and authentic with who we really are, people relate and connect with you. The truth is that there are groups of people just waiting for you to be authentic with the world, so that they can appreciate all the unique talents and gifts that you have to offer. If we are willing to break out of our shell and simply be ourselves, without the fear of being different, weird, or unaccepted, we will break this fearful mentality that holds us back and attract people and circumstances that are compatible and in-alignment with our unique individuality.

5.       Fear of Cost

When we have the fear of cost, we worry about things like, “How much time, energy, money, effort, and work is this going to cost me?” When we think these kinds of thoughts, we prevent ourselves from taking action out of fear that it will cost us something without realizing that the payoff in the end may be far greater than the temporary investment. This can apply to anything, like your health, relationships, or career. Any time you make an investment, it will cost you a certain amount of time, energy, or effort, but the thing to keep in mind is that any time you make an investment, if you invest wisely in things that are important to you and matter (like health, relationships, doing what you love, etc.) then there will be a pay-off on that investment.  

6.       Fear of Failure

The last kind of fear is the fear of failure. This one is huge because if you want to get anywhere in life, you’re going to have to realize

that there will be times that you will experience failure. This does not make you a failure; on the contrary you can use failure to your advantage. But many people succumb to the fear of failure and don’t make an effort to even try to attain their goals. Failure is actually how many of the greatest people came to be. Thomas Edison said, “I did not fail 1000 times at making a light bulb, I discovered 1000 ways not to make a light bulb.” Fear itself is ironic in the sense that it is the very things that we are fearful of that can end up being of most benefit to us when we make the conscious decision to use them to our advantage. We can use the very things we are afraid—like failure or rejection—and use that failure or rejection as fuel for reaching new heights and accomplishing new goals. We can channel our failures, rejections, pains, and losses use them for our benefit. I love what Sean Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage says: "The most successful people see adversity not as a stumbling block, but as a stepping-stone to greatness. Indeed, every failure is often the fuel for the very ideas that eventually transform industries, make record profits, and reinvent careers." 

Rather than allowing the things we are fearful of to hold us back, we can channel whatever it is that we are afraid of—failures, rejections, pains, and losses—and  use them to our advantage and good by using them as fuel to our fire and motivation to reach new heights.

As always, I hope you found this post interesting or encouraging, and I wish you all a wonderful week! J

Guard your Thoughts

   It is so important to guard our thoughts and the way we perceive ourselves, because how we perceive ourselves affects everything we do.

 

“As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7).

 

The Bible tells us that, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7). This Proverb is telling us that what we believe about ourselves, what we hold to be true about ourselves, actually determines what kind of person we become.

We live in a way that is in accordance with our beliefs and what we perceive to be true.

 

You've probably heard the quote:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

And it's true; it all starts with what goes on in your mind!

Everything you do begins with a thought. And the kind of thoughts you're thinking determine what kind of actions and behavior you will have. What gets me most excited about these truths however, are all the new discoveries in the field of positive psychology which scientifically prove the truth behind these age-old wisdoms.

Shawn Achor, author of the Best-selling book The Happiness Advantage and one of the world's leading experts in happiness and human potential explains, "Studies show that simply believing we can bring about positive change in our lives increases motivation and job performance; [and] that success, in essence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy... Amazingly, [an individual's] belief in their own ability is an even stronger predictor of job performance [and success] than the actual level of skill or training they had." How amazing is that! An individual’s belief of whether or not they can perform a task is more powerful than their actual training or ability!

 

An individual’s belief of whether or not they can perform a task is more powerful than their actual training or ability.

Think of it this way: A person who considers themselves unattractive will likely go through life feeling a low self-esteem and negatively towards themselves, unless this person can learn to focus on their attractive qualities, and make an emphasis on their positive attitude and personality instead of their undesired physical features. If they don't change their perspective about themselves, then their belief about themselves being unattractive will be more of a hindrance then their actual suppose lack of physical appeal. It's not about the individual’s looks, but their feelings and perception about their looks which then cause them to act, perform, and behave in a way that is either beneficial and productive, or harmful and destructive.

 

Success is not so much determined by the individual’s abilities, but their feelings and perception about their abilities which then cause them to act, perform, and behave in a way that is either beneficial and productive, or harmful and destructive.

 

Let me give another example.

A person who believes they will not go anywhere in life, or believes they are an unintelligent loser with no future is going to live in a way that is in accordance with those beliefs. Meaning, it is likely they will not make much of an effort to get an education, and they may fall into drugs, alcohol abuse, or other non-productive behavior, all because of their self-image and the way they perceive themselves. We are more prone into giving into self-destructive tendencies and habits if our self-image is distorted and our thinking is off-balance. If we believe that we are unsuccessful, stupid, or a loser, we will live and act in a way that is in accordance with those beliefs. But, if we believe that we have the ability to succeed, triumph over circumstances, that we are loveable, and beautiful in our own way, then we will live a life that is in accordance with success, striving to be the best we can be, and living to our full potential. Numerous studies discussed in The Happiness Advantage have repeatedly proven "how strongly our beliefs can affect our abilities." Achor writes that our "beliefs are so powerful because they dictate our efforts and actions." How you perceive yourself and what you believe to be true about yourself are so important because they will determine how you feel, act, and ultimately the choices you make which determine the course of your life.

 

“Beliefs are so powerful because they dictate our efforts and actions.” –Shawn Achor

 

Remember what it says in Proverbs 27:3? "As we think in our hearts, so we become." If our self-image is distorted and our thinking is off-balance then we will be more prone into giving into self-destructive tendencies and habits. If we can learn to guard our thoughts, recognize when they get off-balance, and make continuous and gradual changes towards developing a healthy self-image and mindset, we will prevent ourselves from the possible downfall of negative self-fulfilling prophecy. As Achor explains it, "By changing the way we perceive ourselves and our work, we can dramatically improve our results." In order to begin changing the way you perceive yourself, you need to begin focusing on all your strengths and reasons as to why you will succeed rather than fail. This does not mean ignoring your weaknesses. It simply means choosing to put a positive emphasis on your strengths which will boost your confidence, self-belief, and in turn, will actually alter and improve your ability to soar to new heights and accomplish new goals--all because you changed your perspective onto your abilities and successes rather than weaknesses and failures.

 

If you’ve found any of what you read helpful or encouraging, I encourage you to pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation –Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever! where you can read more on the power of transformational thinking and positive "Transformational New Thoughts!"

Additional reading recommendations: The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor.