Do Not Settle (The Problem with Settling)

In this post, I’m going to talk about settling. First off, I’d like to address: What does it mean to settle?

Settling means accepting significantly less than you want; because you don't think you can get what you want. There is an inherent fear that if you don't take what you're offered, then you'll wind up with nothing at all. This fear, though understandable, is an unnecessary belief and hindrance to the attainment of our heart’s true desires and goals. Choosing to “settle” by being in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you won't fulfill the emotional goals that make you want a relationship in the first place. Being in a relationship where you settle will prevent you from fulfilling those goals with other more appropriate, more compatible individuals.

Settling can also be defined as accepting the “good” rather than holding out for the “great.” Settling for something that is simply “good” is the choice you accept because you are afraid of pursuing, or have given up on pursuing, the greater choice.

So why do we settle?

Characteristics of people who settle are doubtful, impatient, lack commitment, and are fearful. As I briefly mentioned before, I believe one of the reasons people settle is because they lack four things:

1.       Faith

2.       Patience

3.       Commitment to the Attainment of our Desires

4.       Courage

We settle because we either don’t believe what we desire actually exists, or, that it exists, but it isn’t a reasonable desire or attainable for us to have.  We don’t believe the job, person, or life of our dreams is actually a possibility for us, and therefore we settle for less than what our heart truly desires. Another reason we may settle is because, while we may believe what we truly desire exists, we are unable to wait, or unwilling to put in the effort to achieve it. It’s one thing to believe that what we want exists, but it’s another to be willing to put in the patience or work to get it.

That’s where commitment comes in. Many people are only interested in attaining their heart’s desires, but they lack commitment. They may say they want something, but because they aren't committed to it, when the going gets tough, they give up. It takes a commitment and dedication to that goal to see it become a reality. People who are committed to something will do whatever they can in their power to make sure it becomes a reality. People who are interested will just do what's convenient, and come up with excuses when it isn't. Or in the words of Kenneth Blanchard: “There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses - only results.”  In addition to staying committed to attaining our heart’s desires, we must get rid of any fear-driven thoughts and take the courageous action needed to attain our goals and dreams.

So what’s the big deal about settling? Why is it such a problem?

Well, it’s a problem because one of two things will happen when we settle: Either we will realize that what we settled for was not what our heart truly desired, and will feel discontent and disappointed with our choice later down the line. Secondly, the person or situation you settled for may leave you, and your self-esteem will suffer not only for having settled, but for being rejected/ let down by what you settled for. There's a joke where Groucho Marx is talking to a friend about marrying an unattractive mate, because a beautiful one could leave you. His friend then reminds him: "An ugly one could leave you too." 

The antidote? Don’t settle.

Don’t survive off of crumbs when you can have the whole cake. Don’t settle for less when you know

you are worthy of achieving more. In the words of Nelson Mandela: “There is no passion to be found in living a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” Know what you want. Know your heart’s desires and pursue them relentlessly. 

6 Reasons Why It's Really NOT You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines (especially if you're a woman, you know this is true). For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.

They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 

2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 

People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.

3. They Don't Want to Commit.

They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 

4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.

Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

Change Your Energy, Change Your Life

I've been learning more and more that life is all about state-management. Everything in your life is a result of your state of being. Therefore managing the state that you're in that you're in is incredibly important. The thoughts we think alter the state of being that we're in. If we think joy-filled thoughts, we will be filled with joy. If we think sad thoughts, we will be filled with sorrow. If your state of being is positive, it will help you attract all that you have and desire to have in your life, and vice versa. Therefore, if we desire great lives it is of the utmost importance that we manage our state of being by taking control of our thoughts. Another thing we can do to manage and positively transform our state of being is to actively seek activities that bring us joy, a sense of productivity, and a healthy self-esteem. For me, this means being disciplined in taking care of myself, spending time with those I love, spending time in nature, reading, writing, and learning new things, going on photo adventures, blogging, and making delicious vegan dishes. Ask yourself "What can I do right now that would bring me more joy?" Or have a list of things you find enjoyable to choose from that you can have at hand so that any time you are feeling negative; you can go out and do one of those things.

Remember that the energy you're holding is the point at which you are attracting all things into your life. In managing your state of being, you transform your life. If you change your energy, you change your life!
Teal Scott said that "Your emotions are an indication of what vibration you are holding, [and] your vibration equals your point of attraction for everything coming into your reality and everything you're convalescing with." And I couldn't agree more. We must be cognizant of the thoughts we think, and the words we speak in order to monitor our emotions and make sure they are in alignment with what we desire in life. I like the way the words of Frank Outlaw sum it up: 

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Emotions are energy in motion. The emotions we hold have the ability to create energy that is powerful enough to either positively or negatively alter our lives. Succumbing to negative emotions like boredom, pessimism, disappointment, doubt, discouragement, anger, blame, worry, jealousy, hatred, fear, grief, insecurity, or revenge are all a dangerous trap that can throw us into a downward spiral. Choosing to maintain and emit positive emotions like contentment, gratitude, hopefulness, optimism, expecting positive outcomes, enthusiasm, passion, joy, knowledge, empowerment, and appreciation are all powerful emotions that launch us into new levels of prosperity and enjoyment of life.  Choosing to do whatever is within your power to remain in the states of higher emotions is what will propel you closer to having the life you've always dreamed of!

LOVE: The Ultimate Point of Attraction

Love is the attraction point of which everything you desire manifests. 

If you've ever taken a look at my Thought Control Meter, you'll know that emotions are a helpful tool to allow us to recognize when our thinking becomes off balance. However, since creating that post, I've come to learn an additional powerful insight about that Thought Control Meter. That is, I've learned that when you are in a state of joy, elation, happiness, and pure love and bliss, you are at the attraction point for everything good you desire in your life. When you are in a state of sorrow, depression, apathy, or discouragement, you are furthest away from attracting what your heart truly desires. 

While this may sound bizarre to some of you, think of it this way: Suppose you had in mind a dream car, and rather than visualizing yourself one day owning such a car and feeling optimistic and admiration towards a beautiful piece of engineering and design, you bitterly remind yourself that "I could never afford something that nice," or "I would never be able to drive that kind of car." What happens when you dwell in those kinds of negative thoughts? Well, you begin to feel badly. You also begin to believe whatever it is you're telling yourself, and as a result don't even make an effort to attain something that would bring your life joy because you don't believe in the possibility of owning it in the first place! However, what would happen if every time you saw your dream car drive past you, that you would allow yourself to feel the same rush of excitement flow through your body as if it were already yours? You'd start to feel really good about that car, you'd spend each day feeling as if it were more of a reality, you'd begin to take action steps towards purchasing such a car or finding the means to pay for it. And then one day, if you keep that same vision alive, you'd eventually own your dream car! Amazing, right? 

Let's try another scenario: Say you really want to meet a special someone. But every night you cry over being alone. (You are furthest from being in a state of love and joy). You complain to your girlfriends about how there are just "no good men out there." You spend your nights at home alone because you seriously doubt you'll meet anyone worthwhile out at a club, bar, or anywhere else. Then, when someone does come along that you find appealing, you see them as your rescuer from all of your misery and loneliness and as a result cling to them with all your might, and ultimately, end up scaring them away. A very different situation would look a little something like this: You're so elated, optimistic, and hopeful for the future that you can't help but smile at everyone you come in contact with. You take care of yourself and as a result feel so full of love for yourself and the world that others are attracted to the kindness, joy, and love you emanate. When you see couples walking and holding hands, you joyfully share in their love, appreciating the beauty of seeing others care for each other, and knowing full-well that it will one day happen to you. Do you see how different these two different mentalities are? And do you see how changing your thoughts and perspective on things has a radical and drastic effect on the quality and outcome of your life?  

Changing your thoughts and perspective has a radical and drastic effect on the quality and outcome of your life!

I hope you can see the importance of monitoring your thoughts, which affect your emotions, which translates to action, which is reflected in the quality and outcome of your life! I hope you keep yourself reminded of your internal emotional meter and thought meter and know when to take action to change it for the better so that your life may be better as a result. If you need help, refer to the emotional guidance scale I posted above. Remember that if your thoughts are in a downwards spiral, your life will be reflective of that. If your thoughts are shooting upwards towards the stars, your life has nowhere to go but up! If you can maintain your state to be at the level 1 shown in the photo, that of love, joy, elation, and peace, you will be well on your way to living a life that is inspiring, and completely in alignment with what your heart truly desires! 


Wishing you all the best,
Brigitte 

 “Everything we want, whatever it may be, is motivated by love. It is [our desire] to experience the feelings of love in having those things - youth, money, the perfect person, job, body, or health. To attract the things we love we must transmit love, and those things will appear immediately.” –The Secret 

The Key To Being Irresistibly Attractive (The Secret Formula for Attaining a Certain “Je Ne Sais Quoi”)

In my last post, I described 4 Detrimental Dating Energies, and 1 Irresistibly magnetic one. The magnetic, attractive energy I described embodied what in French is known as having a certain “Je Ne Sais Quoi.” The phrase literally reads, “I know not what,” but it is meant to convey “a pleasant quality that is hard to describe” or, “something that cannot be adequately expressed.” Hence, when people say that someone has a certain “Je ne sais quoi,” they are expressing that there is just something simply about them that they cannot describe, yet is alluring and appealing, enchanting, and completely captivating. For this post, I’m going to reveal to you the secret formula for attaining this kind of delightful “Je Ne Sais Quoi.” I’ve created a formula for what hours of research and countless books have led me to believe is key to attaining and maintaining this kind of magnetic “Je ne sais quoi.” Are you ready? This could very well change your perspective on life and dating, so listen up! The formula is as follows:

Je Ne Sais Quoi= Joie De Vivre + Aime-toi toi-même

Right now this formula may not make any sense, especially for those of you who do not speak French!  But don’t fret, I’m about to explain exactly what it means! Let’s take a deeper look at the components of having a “Je ne sais Quoi”:

1.       The first secret ingredient to having a “Je ne sais quoi,” attractive, and magnetic personality is learning to have a “Joie de Vivre.” Having a “Joie de Vivre” means having a “Joy of Life.”  In order to accomplish this you must do Everything in Your Power to Feel Good About Being Single and enjoy your life just the way it is. Do what you love. Learn to focus on all that you have instead of what you lack. When you do what you love, you feel happy and content, and your state of being is one of joy, contentment, and utter gratitude for life. Being in this state of mind creates an energy that emits a “joie de vivre”—a joy of life that is so magnetic and irresistible because others want that for themselves too! So to get into this captivating state of being you must:

a)      Do What You Love And Enjoy,

b)      Do What Makes You Feel Good,

c)       Do What Makes You Happy,

d)      Do What Is Productive

You might even want to consider making a list of these things so that any time you’re feeling down, you have a whole list of activities to choose from that will boost your mood and get you back into the “joie de vivre” state of being. To give you some ideas of what you can do to feel really good, I’ll share with you a few things that make me really happy!

You can dance, take a self-improvement class, learn a new skill, take up a new hobby, exercise, make a list of things you’re grateful for, do some yoga, read a book, write, cook, make a cake, learn a new language, travel, explore, treat yourself to a little chocolate or ice cream, go to the beach, spend time in nature, learn an instrument, make music, go for a hike, spend time with friends and loved ones, go laser tagging, bowling, anything to evoke the inner child in you and bring you laughter and joy and get you excited for being alive and all the adventures life has to offer!

1.       The second secret ingredient to having a “Je ne sais Quoi” personality is having an “Aime-toi toi-même,” or, love for yourself.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of self-love. In order to have this “aime-toi toi-même,” or love for yourself, it is

imperative that you do Everything in Your Power to Feel Good About Yourself.  You do this by taking care of yourself. Meaning, you eat right, you get enough sleep and adequate exercise; you read, learn new things, fill your mind with good thoughts, surround yourself with positive and uplifting people, work on improving yourself so that you can feel productive and have a healthy self-esteem and self-love. These activities can also add to your “joie de vive,” but they are more oriented toward taking care of yourself and showing yourself love. In addition to taking care of yourself on a basic level of eating right and getting adequate sleep and exercise—although doing these things alone is enough to make a radical shift in how you feel about yourself—you take your levels of self-care and self-love to a whole new level by doing things like treating yourself to a massage or spa day, getting a manicure/pedicure, facial, or spend a whole day dedicated to doing activities that will increase the love and appreciation you have for the amazing human being that you are!

I love the way legendary actor Charlie Chaplin described what loving himself meant: 

"As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitudea healthy egoism. Today I know it is 'LOVE OF ONESELF.'"


So to quickly re-cap, this is what you need to know for maintaining a magnetizing and captivating “je ne sais quoi” personality:

Formula: Je Ne Sais Quoi= Joie De Vivre + Aime-toi toi-même

1.                  Secret Ingredient #1: “Joie de Vivre”

Translation: “Joy of Life” 

How to Accomplish This: Do Everything in Your Power to Feel Good About Being Single and Enjoy Your Life Just as It is

Tips: Travel, Take up a New Hobby, Spend time with friends and loved ones, read, write, cook, hike, spend time in nature. Do what

A)     You Love and Enjoy

B)      What Makes You Happy

C)      What feels good to you and is in alignment with who you are

D)     What is Productive

2.                  Secret Ingredient #2: Aime-toi toi-même.

Translation: Love yourself.

How to Accomplish This: Do Everything in Your Power to Feel Good About Yourself by taking good care of yourself

Tips: Exercise, Eat Right, Get Enough Sleep, Fill Your Mind with Good Things, Get a Massage, Treat Yourself to a Mani/Pedi


One final thought I'd like to leave you with is a quote I came across right after writing this post that I think perfectly sums up the message I'm trying to convey. It's from Deepak Chopra's amazing book, The Path to Love: 

"The secret to being attractive, if one consults the past record of human experience, is remarkably simple. It is summarized in an aphorism from the Latin poet Ovid, who said, 'To love, be loveable.' A lovable person is someone who is natural, easy with himself or herself, radiating the simple, unaffected humanity that makes anyone truly attractive."

As always I hope you found this post interesting and insightful for creating your own magnetic "Je Ne Sais Quoi" allure! 

All my love, 

Brigitte

6 Detrimental Dating Energies—and What You Can Do To Eradicate Them!

When it comes to anything in life, the beliefs you hold to be true in your mind affect your attitude, which in turn affects the energy or “vibrations” you give off—and this is especially true when it comes to dating. When someone is miserable, it’s likely that their way of thinking is completely sour, and the negative feelings they are give off to those around them are almost palpable. In contrast, when someone has a positive outlook on life, you can just sense the joy emitting from their being. You’ve probably heard people say before “that person has really great/bad vibes.” Well when it comes to dating, it is no different! There are some very detrimental “energies” that can ruin the chances of you finding love and cause your dates to go running for the hills! In contrast, there is the kind of positive energy that is so irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex, that once you emit it, your ability to attract will be like bees drawn to a honeycomb. To help you avoid any of these detrimental dating energies (and to help you get into the right one), I’d like to introduce to you a few of my “friends” I think we could all learn from… I’ve characterized these energies in both masculine and feminine versions to show that they are not discriminant of gender, and that anyone can fall subject to these detrimental dating energies if we allow them to.

1.       “Desperate Debra.” Desperate Debra is so eager to find a partner that she reeks of “desperation breath.” She doesn’t give her partners any room and her smothering ends up pushing them away. Don’t be a Desperate Debra, it’s not attractive to anyone (except maybe for Desperate Danny, that is).

“Desperate Danny.” Your date has hardly ended and Danny has already left you 12 voicemails about how he can’t wait until your next date. Danny is so eager to be in a relationship that he doesn’t give his partners any room to breathe and ends up scaring them away. Desperate Danny isn’t attractive to anyone (except maybe for Desperate Debra).

2. Careless Cara and Too-Cool Carl.  Complete opposites of Desperate Danny and Debra, are Careless Cara and Too-Cool Carl. While approaching others from a state of desperation is not attractive, being completely aloof to others is not either. Cara and Carl are so care-less and "cool," the people they date can hardly tell if they are interested enough. And it's not so much that Carl and Cara aren't interested, it's just that they have been hurt in the past from putting their feelings on the table and have decided for themselves that it's easier to "play it cool" and down-play their feelings rather than express what's truly going on. They have their defenses up, and as a result, end up coming across as cold and inaccessible. Instead of being like Careless Cara or Too-Cool Carl, choose to be authentic with others--your life will feel a lot more fulfilling as a result. 

3.       “Futurizing Filemina.” Poor Filemina, the hopeless romantic. Before her dates are even over she’s already planned the wedding and picked out names for their four future children. Filemina’s dates can sense this and get frightened by the fact that she’s moving too fast and falling too soon. Rather than getting to know her dates fully to even discover whether or not they’d be good partners for her, she’s already planned the honeymoon and is ready to send out the wedding invitations.

“Futurizing Frank.” Frank is a hopeless romantic, and while his sweet character is certainly endearing, he can sometimes allow his romantic idealism to get the best of him. After the first date he’s already planning what he wants to name their future children. And while the fact that Frank is ready for real commitment is highly attractive to most women, his overzealousness may scare many others away.

4.       “Judgemental Janice.” Janice doesn’t even need to say a word in order for you to know that she’s judging you. She looks at you from down her nose and her looks say it all: That shirt you’re wearing, what were you thinking? Those shoes, c’mon, we’re not in the 80’s anymore… and don’t even get me started on the hair. And the judgment doesn’t just end with the looks; Janice is also judging your character. Janice can’t see what a wonderful person the date that is sitting in front of her is because all she can think about is how they aren’t matching up to the incredibly long checklist of what her perfect man is supposed to be like. She’s so busy thinking about how her date doesn’t match up, that she doesn’t even realize her own judgmental attitude is a serious character flaw that is keeping love at bay. There’s no pleasing a judgmental Janice, and her dates can sense this and back off very quickly.

“Judgmental Jeff.” Jeff doesn’t even have to say a word for you to know he’s judging you. That outfit you wore totally clashes, and you can definitely tell he’s not pleased with your hair by the way he keeps eyeing you. Jeff makes remarks that make him come across as quite pretentious. He makes it very uncomfortable to be around him because it’s evident he’s judging you. Jeff can make even the most confident girls feel a bit unsettled, and his too-good-for-you disposition makes his eligible bachelorettes run for the hills.

5.       “Self-Conscious Sally” and “Insecure Inez.” Sally is so self-conscious, all she can do is talk about how her pants are too tight and her hips are too wide, and how her hair is not straight enough. Instead of talking to her dates and getting to know them, she is completely consumed with herself. Her friend, Insecure Inez is so unsure of herself, instead of enjoying the date, all she can think about is wondering what her date is thinking of her. Thoughts about herself consume her. Her date might as well not even be there, Inez is only focused on herself and all of her insecurities.

“Self-Conscious Steve” and “Insecure Ivan.” Steve and his friend Ivan are very insecure. They hardly date, because they are too shy to ask anyone out, but when they do their lack of confidence and insecurity acts as a deterrent for their dates. They are not unattractive men, but their lack of security makes them appear that way. All they can do is worry about how they look, or about how the date is going, or what their date is thinking about them, rather than simply enjoying the date and getting to know who they are with! 

6. Negative Nina. Negative Nina is a cousin of Self-conscious Sally, but not only does Nina say negative things about her body, but she complains about everything, from what the weather is like to the traffic, or her job. Nina's most detrimental downfall however, is her attitude when it comes to men and dating. Her attitude towards love and life in general is so pessimistic, she doubts she will ever meet a man. Nina speaks Negative words like "All men are jerks and players who only want one thing!" When she does happen to meet someone, she allows her negative thoughts to rule her, slimming the chances of her finding love by saying and thinking things like "He probably just wants to use me! I bet he's just like all the other men I've dated!" It's apparent Nina's attitudes towards love and dating must have been acquired through some emotionally painful and heartbreaking experiences, however, she's allowed these experiences to make her callous, scathed, and resentful towards men. Rather than keeping a youthful, fresh, and optimistic outlook on love and dating, she's allowed life experiences to beat her into the morbid, pessimistic person that she is. Her negativity is like a dark cloud, that immediately scares off eligible suitors, and potentially ends up attracting the wrong men who prey off of insecure and unhappy women.

Negative Nate. Nate always has something negative to say, whether it be about the weather, his job, or the person who cut him off earlier in traffic. Nate would be quite the attractive young bachelor, but as soon as he opens his mouth, his negativity is offsetting and sends his potential partners running for the hills. If Nate ever wants to find a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, healthy woman, he'll need to kick his negativity to the curb and adopt a more optimistic attitude that attracts women to men like bees on honey. 

Their biggest hindrance is that they are far too insecure.

Now that I’ve given you a brief introduction to my “friends,” I’d like to ask, “What kind of energy are YOU giving out?”

The energy you give out when you date is of the utmost importance. I’m sure at one point or another, we’ve all been a little like Desperate Debra or Danny, Insecure Inez or Ivan, Judgmental Janice or Jeff, or Futurizing Filemina or Frank. But what matters is recognition. If we desire success in our relationships, it’s important to ask ourselves, “What kind of energy am I giving out?” Hopefully it’s nothing like any of my bad-vibe “friends,” because there’s only one type of energy that will attract the man or woman of your dreams, and it is an energy of love, confidence, self-assurance, joy, and acceptance. Like my friends Sexy Sadie or Striking Stan:

1.       “Sexy Sadie.” Sadie’s confidence emanates off of her skin. She’s almost glowing. When she walks into a room, all heads turn. Is it what she’s wearing? No, it can’t be… Is it how she looks? No, it’s something else… Sadie has a certain “je nais c’est quoi,” and it comes from her overwhelming sense of confidence and self-assurance. Sadie knows who she is and she doesn’t have anything to prove to any man.  She takes care of herself by staying disciplined, getting enough sleep, going to the gym, and eating right—so she feels good from the inside out—and it shows! Sadie enjoys life, loves adventure, adores people, and isn’t in dire need to find someone to make her happy. She is happy. Sadie is positive, optimistic, outgoing, and fun-loving. Because her thoughts are positive, her way of thinking translates into all that she does. Her happiness radiates and touches everyone she meets. Men can’t help but fall for her, her energy is so magnetic it’s almost impossible to resist. 

“Striking Stan” Stan is one irresistible man. It’s not so that he’s the best looking man there is, but his confidence, kindness, friendliness, and charm make him one hot tamale. Stan’s sense of humor makes him so attractive. He laughs at life, and while mature, knows not to take things so seriously. His kindness and charm—which come from an inner peace, confidence, and knowing who he is—make him irresistible to nearly every woman he meets.

Remember that when it comes to dating, it’s all about the energy you’re giving out. It’s why friends will often tell you that you’ll find the right one once you’ve stopped looking. That’s because when you’re looking for someone your energy is very different than when you are not. It’s so important to be in a state of love for yourself, for life, and for others if you want to feel confident and happy, and ultimately, attract the same kind of confident, happy, stable, and kind person. So if you’re not happy being single, the type of people you’re going to attract will be a reflection of that, and the people you date will be able to sense any desperate, judgmental, overly eager, or insecure state of being. The good news is, you can change your energy, and it doesn’t require rocket science! You can begin making simple changes in how you treat yourself, and your perspective towards life that will make all of the difference when it comes to your energy levels of attraction.

Your goal should be to feel so good about being single and where you are in your life that it should not matter to you whether or not you have a significant other. I understand this isn’t always the easiest thing to do (for someone who has experience with being single for years, trust me, I know! But the more you practice it, the easier it becomes). It’s so important to achieve this state of being content with being alone. It’s important to want but not need; to desire someone but not be dependent upon them for your happiness. Basically, to get into a place of feeling so good on your own, that a relationship would only be the cherry on top of the icing. I love how the words of British-Somali poet, Warsan Shire embody this concept: “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude!”  That is the state you want to get into! For a more detailed description of what you can do to transform your energy into this kind of magnetizing and attractive one, read my post on “The Key To Being Irresistibly Attractive(The Secret Formula for Attaining a Certain ‘Je Ne Sais Quoi’)”!

How to Attract The Man or Woman of Your Dreams

About a two years ago (yeesh, time flies!), I became enchanted, maybe even a bit obsessed with the idea of finding my "Soulmate." You know, that man or woman of your dreams who will fulfill your every need and desire and with whom life will be forever blissfully perfect as long as you're with them? Well, sorry to break it to you and burst all of your hopeless romantic's imaginary love bubble, but there's no such thing. However, there is something EVEN BETTER. While no one person can satisfy and fulfill our every need, or make us feel blissfully wonderful 24/7 (that's a lot to ask from an imperfect human), I do believe there are special people in this world with whom we connect with on a deeper level than the superficial and feel deep sense of mutual understanding when we're with them. And while life with this person may not be 100% bliss, the support, encouragement, like-mindedness, intimacy, sense of community, and mutual understanding we get from this kind of relationship are by far worthwhile. Even the not-so-blissful moments of trial and struggle we face with this person serve their purpose by making us into better individuals and strengthening the relationship as a whole. (Relationships, I believe, are meant to be a BALANCE of support and challenge--you can read more about that in this post).

Although my quest towards finding my soul-mate has not yet led me to "the one" for me, I feel more confident now than ever that I am on the right path towards meeting him, and the invaluable lessons I've learned along my journey have taken me to a whole new level of openness, love, understanding, and appreciation for myself and towards others. In addition, the desire to be the best partner for my future partner by being a happy, healthy, balanced, stable, and responsible adult have led me to new levels of self-care, self-love, self-appreciation, and self-improvement.

And it's my desire to share a few of the valuable lessons that I've learned so that you can benefit from them too! So without further ado, here are a few of the things you can begin to do to start attracting the man or woman of your dreams into your life! Happy soul-searching and soul-mate-searching! :-)

1. Become The Kind Of Man Or Woman Your Ideal Partner Would Want To Be With.

My life changed the instant I heard Arielle Ford, author of "Soulmate Secret" pose the question, "If I told you that your soulmate was coming into your life in 72 hours, what would you want your life to look like?" In other words, is your life the way it is right now, the kind that you would want your dream man or woman to see? At that moment I looked around me and my room was an absolute mess, there was no room for company to come over, my skin was covered in break outs, I was struggling with depression, and I hadn't been to the gym in months. I realized my life was nothing close to what I would want it to look like if my dream partner were to walk through the door. So I started taking action: I cleaned up living space, got back into a consistent workout

regime, and switched to a Raw Vegan diet to get my skin cleared up and my body and mind in optimal health. As a result, my self-care was taken to a whole new level, and I realized the importance of loving and taking care of yourself before looking for someone to do that for you. Often times we have a great list of expectations when it comes to what we want in a partner, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that; the problem occurs when the things we expect from others we don't even do ourselves. One good question to ask ourselves is, "Would I date me?"

We can't expect our partner to be an all-rescuing savior relieving us from our debt, poor self-image, or whatever other issues we may have going on. We must be willing to take a good look in the mirror, see what needs improvement, and work on changing that ourselves. If we want to attract awesomeness into our lives, we must first start by being awesome ourselves. If you want to attract your dream man or woman, begin by asking yourself, "What kind of man or woman would my dream partner be looking for?" And live according to that.

2. Love Yourself. To further explicate my last point, I can't even begin to emphasize how important it is to have a healthy self-love, self-esteem, and self-worth. When you

don't love or care for yourself, you become much more likely to go seeking that love and approval from external sources, which can only end up attracting all kinds of crazy into your life. When you don't love and care for yourself, you are more likely to settle for less than what you truly deserve. Because your sense of worth is dependent upon how someone else feels about you or acts towards you, you become needy, desperate, and attract partners who may treat you poorly because they know how reliant you are upon them for love. Love yourself, take care of yourself, have enough self-respect and self-worth to walk away from relationships that are not healthy for you. Don't settle for less out of loneliness, but enjoy your season of singleness by loving yourself and taking care of you. Do this, and you'll be able to make much more sound decisions based on good judgment and discernment, rather than searching for love out of a lack of it, or because of low-self-esteem or loneliness.
How you feel about yourself will also be reflected in how you carry yourself. If you feel selfconscious, insecure, or confident and happy, your body language and energy you give off will be a reflection of that. A helpful exercise you can do is begin each morning by asking yourself: "How do I feel? (Do I feel fat, tired, overwhelmed, peaceful, confident, content, comfortable in my own skin?)" Hopefully the answer is an enthusiastic, "I FEEL GREAT!"  Because if you don't feel really good, your body language and the words you speak will be a reflection of that. If you feel great, you'll attract others who feel great about themselves as well. (Note: If you aren't feeling good about yourself, that should be an indication to you to do what you can to get back into the sweet zone of feeling good! For more tips on how to do so, read this post.)
Please note, that the love you have for yourself SHOULD NOT be upon condition. For example, "I'll love myself when I lose 5 pounds," or, "I love myself when ____ shows me love," or "I'll love myself when I land my dream job." It sounds silly to think that we would ever love ourselves solely on these external, temporal, and changing conditions; but we do it all of the time: basing our self-worth and amount we believe we deserve to be loved on things that are completely irrelevant to who we are. Our love for ourselves should be an appreciation for who we are as people, not based on what we own, what kind of car we drive, what kind of job we have. I love the way Deepak Chopra explains it in his book, The Path to Love, "Ultimately people are good because of who they are; goodness is a quality of being. Once we have made this discovery, we stop measuring people by their achievements. We expect goodness as a part of their essence, and ours. When this happens, we no longer expect a reward for doing good. We no longer bestow love when people are good to us and withdraw it when they are bad. Instead love becomes a constant in our lives. It just is. People who have reached this stage are in true possession of their love stories. They don't judge or live in fear of judgement." 

3. Know What You Want And Don't Settle. Just as you can't get anywhere in life if you don't know where you're going, you can't find what you're searching for if you don't know what it is you're searching for! It's important to know what it is that you desire in a partner, but also to keep an open mind. Know what traits you're willing to negotiate and what characteristics classify as definite deal-breakers. If you meet someone with an amazing personality or great character, but you don't like their hair cut or what kind of car they drive, you have to know what's more important to you. Your dream partner may not look like what you may expect them to, but once you get to know them you may realize they are what you've been looking for. Know what you desire, know what you're willing to compromise on, keep an open mind, and don't settle.

2. Be Yourself. When I say this, I don't mean it in the cliche, "Oh just be yourself and people will like you" type of way. It's much more than that. When you live authentically, you attract the people, the jobs, and the life circumstances that are in real alignment with what your heart truly desires. When you are not authentic with yourself, when you bend over backwards and into a pretzel to accommodate other people, or act out of character in order to gain approval, you only end up attracting people, work, and circumstances which are not in alignment with what you value, are passionate about, or will bring you true happiness. Be yourself and live authentically so that your life and the people that surround you will be a reflection of all that you love, value, and appreciate; and as a result, feel fulfilled, satisfied, understood, and appreciated for who you really are. 

4. Stay Positive. If you've been single for a long time, or have dated and can't seem to find someone compatible with you, it can be easy to fall into the dangerous trap of thinking negatively. Thoughts like, "I'm going to be alone forever!" or, "all men/ women are jerks!" can be easy to succumb to if we don't keep control over our thoughts. It's so important to stay positive, mentally and emotionally healthy, and happy! When we keep our thoughts positive, our energy is also positive, and we attract the kind of people that are also emotionally stable and happy as well. Men and women can tell when the person they are dating is miserable, negative, needy, insecure, or too clingy--and FYI--that kind of energy is simply NOT attractive. It's important to stay positive and maintain a life-loving attitude in order for you to be giving off the kind of confident, happy, positive, life-loving energy that is so irresistibly sexy to the opposite sex. (For a deeper understanding of managing your energy when dating, check out this post.)

5. Keep The Vision Alive. To help you stay positive and prevent you from settling for less, it's important to keep the vision of what you desire in the forefront of your mind. When you think of yourself, do you envision yourself the one that's always alone and without a partner while everyone else is skipping around you paired off in twos? Or do you envision yourself in a happy relationship, laughing with your partner, being playful with them, having fun in a relationship and being happy with that man or woman of your dreams? How you see yourself is very important because it will affect your mood, positivity (or lack of it), how you behave, and ultimately, whether you stay single or not. To help you maintain the vision of being in a happy relationship, you can visualize yourself in a happy one just as I described above, or you can enhance your vision by creating a dream board. To do this, simply cut out images from magazines or print them out from online that remind you of the love that is coming your way. These imagines should invoke a sense of joy, happiness, hopefulness, and love when you look at them. If they don't do that, then don't put them on your board. They can be pictures of romantic couples, places or things you'd like to do with your future partner, or photos of what you'd envision your ideal partner to look like. The bottom line is that looking at these photos should make you feel GOOD. They should get you excited for the love that is coming your way, remind you to stay grateful for the present, and keep you excited for wonderful future that awaits you.

6. Act "As If" Your Dream Partner Were Are Already In Your Life. Faith is such a powerful thing. The ancient text of Hebrews defines faith as "being sure of what we hope for, [and] being convinced of what we do not [yet] see" (Hebrews 11:1). Having faith is being convinced of something's existence before it even comes into actuality in the physical realm; and it is a necessity of manifestation and maintaining a positive attitude. Without faith, we lose hope. To act in faith, it's important to act "as if" the partner of our dreams were already in our lives. In Ford’s book, she describes how she would “act as if” her soul-mate was already in her life by buying cards for him, concert and event tickets she knew they would go to together. She would even set a place mat at the dinner table and cook for two to envision her partner as already on his way, and it wasn’t before long before their paths crossed, they fell in love, and have been happily married since.

Another way you can act “as if” is by making space for your future partner. Is your schedule so jam-packed that you don’t have time for a significant other, let alone time to go out on dates? Is your closet and living space so full that there is absolutely no room for another person? Start acting in faith by making room for your partner. Nature abhors a vacuum. Make room for your partner, and before you know it, it will be filled.  

7. Heal Old Wounds. Before you can be in any kind of serious relationship, it’s important to do your best in healing wounds, cleaning up and letting go of the past. How can you get a grasp of all that the future has in store if you’re clenching tightly to what’s already behind you? Seek advice, get counseling, write in a journal, pray, meditate, exercise, set goals, spend time with friends and loved ones, get closure, spend time for yourself, do whatever it is that you need to do in order to feel whole, happy, healthy, and complete before searching for someone to complete you and fill any emotional void you may have.  Do this, and you’ll be well on your way to finding not a person who is perfect, but someone who perfectly complements you.

I hope you found this information useful, and wish you all the best in your endeavors with love!

All my love, Brigitte