How to Learn New Behaviors, Create New Habits, and Cultivate Positive Change that Lasts

Whether it’s sticking to a diet, attempting to learn a new language or instrument, spend less money, exercise more, or actually stick with your New Year’s resolutions, there are some very important things to know about the human psyche before conquering any feat or accomplishing any goal—and this post will help you make simple adjustments in your life that will help you get closer to achieving your goals with efficacy and swiftness.

1.       Create New Habits

When it comes to making any behavioral change, we must start by

changing our habits. The "father of American Psychology," Physician, and Philosopher William James said we are "mere bundles of habit," biologically prone to routine. Aristotle explained this by expressing: "We are what we repeatedly do." It is true that we are creatures of habit, and the majority of our day consists of doing things that come naturally to us because we've made them habitual; as a result, these things come to us fairly easily and effortlessly. We don’t need to put much conscious effort into brushing our teeth, or driving to work, and the same is true of behaviors we make habitual. The issue lies within actually transforming a desired behavior from a painstakingly effort-driven goal, into an easy, effortless habit. Luckily for you, the following tips will teach you how to do just that!

2.       Know that Will power alone is not enough

When we desire to create lasting change, we must know that will power is not enough. In fact, not only is will power not enough, but psychological studies prove that the more will-power is used, the more our ability to utilize it is weakened. Participants in a study who were told they were not permitted to eat the chocolate chip cookies sitting on the plate in front of them while attempting to solve a difficult puzzle gave up on the feat much faster in contrast to those who were told they could eat the cookies if they wished. Rather than attempting to change a behavior through will power alone, there are a few things we can do to make our journey through self-improvement a bit easier: 

3.       Strive for Progress, Not for Perfection

There is a practice known as “kaizen” which is Japanese for “continuous improvement.” Far too often we put stringent, binding, and unattainable goals with ridiculous time restraints that end up making us feel trapped or like failures when we fail to accomplish them. While it’s important to push the limits of possibility by stretching our goals and striving for excellence, it’s equally important not to expect immediate results all at once. As Achor puts it, “[Our goals should be] not so easy that we don’t have to try, but not so difficult that we get discouraged and give up.” Rather than attempting to stick to strict, self-imposed rules and regulations, the key should be to strive for “kaizen,” or “continuous improvement.”

William James described this as making "daily strokes of effort." This concept brings truth to the maxim: "Practice makes perfect." In striving for progress, not perfection, we take the pressure not to fail off of ourselves and make the growth process much more enjoyable.

4.       Put The Desired Behavior On The Path Of Least Resistance, and The Undesired Behaviors on the Path of Greatest Resistance

In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Sean Achor describes the “20 second rule” which shows that creating a 20 second barrier between you and your undesired behavior, and a 20 second shortcut to the desired habit generates lasting change. The reason for this is because the more resistance we face in trying to create a new habit, the less likely we are to implement change towards creating that habit. And vice versa, the less resistance we face, the more likely we are to change. The same goes for undesired behaviors as well. When we create barriers to our undesired behaviors, we are less likely to engage in them. Implementing the 20 second rule and using it to your advantage may look something like taking out the batteries from your remote control in order to watch less television, or leaving books or instruments readily accessible and out in the open where you are more likely to pick them up as they are in your direct vision. Achor even described sleeping in his gym clothes until he made early-morning work-outs an indispensable practice.

5.       Take Baby Steps, Not Grandeur Leaps

We’re much more likely to give up on our goals if we set unrealistic expectations. We can’t write a book before writing a page, and we can’t run a marathon before running a mile. The point is that we should start small, and work our way onto larger feats. Achor refers to this as “expanding our circles,” like Zorro practiced fighting enemies from a small circle until he was strong and capable enough to move out of that restricted area. This way, we don’t run the risk of becoming completely overwhelmed by the task at hand and are less likely to give up because we are taking small steps rather than wearing ourselves out through grandeur leaps. If you’re trying to eat healthier, simply start by adding more fruits and vegetables into your diet rather than going cold-turkey on junk food and feeling like you’re restricting yourself (remember what I said in Point #2 about wearing out our will power!). If you’re trying to save more money, start by putting a few dollars aside every week rather than pressuring yourself to save hundreds at a time. (You get the idea). Small, consistent changes are what yield lasting, positive results in our lives.

As always, I hope you found these tips useful and informative. I hope you discovered a new-found sense of courage in taking on your goals, and may these tools bring some ease to you on your journey towards self-improvement! :-) 
Much Love,
Brigitte
xo

The Pygmalion Effect–How Your Self-Perception Alters Your Reality

What Kind of Person do you think you are? How do you perceive yourself to be?

What if I told you that how you answer this question determines the outcome of your life? 

How you see yourself is of absolute importance because it affects everything that you do. How we see ourselves determines what kind of goals we set, what kind of thoughts we think, how we act and behave, and what decisions we make.

To start off, I'm going to give a little lesson in Roman legend 101. According to Roman legend, a sculptor by the name of Pygmalion had envisioned a woman so remarkably beautiful he could not help but bring his vision to life through his gift of sculpting. His sculpture was more than beautiful; in fact, it embodied every ideal, hope, dream, possibility, and meaning that Pygmalion held. It wasn’t before long that Pygmalion fell in love with his idealistic sculpture, so much so that he bargained with the goddess of love, Venus, to bring her to life. And according to the legend, she did.

Now what does this have to do with you and I you might ask? Well, like Pygmalion, who brought his sculpture to life simply through the power of his belief, you and I have the power to bring to life certain traits within others and within ourselves simply based on how we perceive others and ourselves. In positive psychology, this power of belief is referred to as “The Pygmalion Effect,” and its implications reveal that our belief in another person’s potential, or our own, actually brings that potential to life.  

To further explain, I’ll share a little story with you: Back when I was in high-school, there was a classroom clown cracking jokes and causing apparent disruption to the classroom. Instead of simply asking the kid to be quiet, giving him a pink slip, or kicking him out of the class, the teacher told him to hold out his right hand and turn it over. The student did said procedure as the teacher responded, “Good, now at least I know you can flip burgers at McDonald’s, because that’s what you’re going to be doing the rest of your life.” What this teacher may or may not have realized at the time, was that he was speaking prophetic words of negativity into this child’s life. Rather than kindly encouraging the class-clown to pay attention, he publicly belittled and humiliated him, and sure enough, a couple years later, that kid had dropped out of high-school and began flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Here’s another example: A new teacher was given the names of her students as well as their locker numbers. She mistakenly took these numbers as each of her pupil’s IQ scores. Consequently, she spent the rest of the school year under the impression that each one of her students was an utter genius, and her verbal and non-verbal actions communicated that quite clearly to each of her students. By the end of the year, the school’s principle called the teacher into his office asking, “What on earth did you do to get these kids’ test scores so incredibly high?” Her response was, “Well sir, they are genius.’” “And how would you know that?” he replied. “Well because of their IQ scores you gave me in the beginning of the year!” she returned. With a grin and a shake of the head he said, “Those weren’t their IQ scores, those were their locker numbers!”  

Story upon story, study upon study continues to prove the dramatic effect our beliefs have when it comes to influencing others. Our beliefs in others can either discourage them to sink into failure, or encourage them to rise up and realize their full-potential. The same is true of ourselves. The way we see ourselves determines how we act, behave, what we say and think, what kind of goals we set (if we believe we are destined for failure, the bar will be set very low, and vice versa) and what kind of decisions that we make. If we don’t believe we can do something, what’s the point in us even trying in the first place?

Why did my high-school friend, the class clown, drop out of high school? Because he listened to what he was told and didn’t believe he could do anything else with his life. A student who doesn’t believe they will ever amount to anything is more likely to drop out or get poor grades. Why even try in the first place? A young girl who doesn’t have much self-worth or self-value is more likely to seek love in the wrong places, because she doesn’t think she can do any better or is worth any better. A husband who is constantly nagged by his wife is going to feel as if there’s no point to doing anything nice for her at all.

When we encourage others, when we help others to see their unlimited potential, we are aiding in bringing that potential to life. When we listen to self-degrading thoughts of negativity and failure, we are only hindering our future. When we chose to seek our strong areas, improve on our weak ones, and know that the potential within each of us is unlimited, we are creating a future that is bright, meaningful, and completely fulfilled and purposeful.

As Sean Achor puts it, “When we believe we can do more and achieve more (or when others believe It for us), that is often the precise reason we do achieve more.” Science has barely begun to glimpse into all of the remarkable ways our mindset actually shapes and determines the objective world around us.

It is truly proof of the timeless wisdom that, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7).

Now let me ask again, “Who do you believe you are?”

I hope you answer differently, or at least a little more positively knowing that how you answer will be reflected in  how you behave, live, the goals you set, the thoughts you think, the words you speak, and ultimately, the kind of life you will have.

"I am by nature a dealer in words, and words are the MOST powerful drug known to humanity" -Rudyard Kipling 

Letting Go of the "Unchangeable"

I was contemplating this morning how in the past I've tried so hard to change things in my life that couldn't be changed, and how much I've resisted those unchangeable things without simply "letting things be." This led me to realize that in life there are things you can control, and things you can't control, and what will determine your altitude is your ability to let go of the things you can't control, and focus your energy on what you DO have the power to change. 

I asked myself the question, "What are you going to do with what you've been given?"

We've all been dealt certain "cards" but in life, and it's not a matter of what cards you've been dealt but how well you learn how to play them. 

I've learned that in life, there are things we can change, and there are things we can't change. Don't waste all of your time trying to change things that can't be changed! Instead focus and invest your energy on the things you CAN change--and work on that. You may not always be able to control what happens to you, but you most certainly can control how you react to what happens to you. Or as one of my favorite quotes says, "You may not be able to change the winds of adversity, you can however, change the direction of your sails." 

If you're struggling in life with letting go of all the "unchangeable" and are spending too much time investing all of your energy and emotions on things you can't change, then I strongly encourage you to do this exercise: 

• Take a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle. 
• On one side, write: "Things I can't Change" and make a list of all of the things in your life that you can't change and that you have no control over. 
• On the other side of the paper, write: "Things I CAN Change" and make a list of all the things that you CAN change. I think you'll find you have control and the power to change a lot more than you thought you could! Your attitude and your mindset (whether it is one of gratitude or complaint), have A LOT to do with the way your life is right now. So if you don't like your EXTERNAL conditions, it's time to grab a hold of what's going on inside your mind (Your INTERNAL conditions)  in order to accomplish any change and see the results in your physical world! (P.S. Don't forget to write down on your list of things you can change your amazing ability to self-improve! Change yourself and you change [your/the] world!

Making this kind of list is SO important because it puts us in a state of accountability. Once we realize how great our power to evoke change in our lives truly is, it becomes apparent that the undesirable circumstances in our life that we once blamed on "the Universe," or a higher power, or even other people is really within our power to change--instead of being able to blame someone or something for the way things are, we become accountable for our thoughts, words, and actions that created the results we're complaining about! 

I'd like to share one thing that was on my list of "Things I Can Change." It was my

attitude. I think this is the biggest issue I've struggled with in the past, and looking back on my life now I think of all the time I spent suffering, complaining, crying, and whining about things I thought could have been better or different in my life, only to come to realize that all that time I spent unhappy about my circumstances was time and energy WASTED on the "unchangeable," when I could have CHOSEN to change my focus, and spend that time being happy instead! I finally made a shift in my thoughts when I realized that time spent in remorse, anger, regret, or dwelling on loss is time WASTED! And life is far too short to waste any time on those kinds of negative emotions. Life is short, so choose to change your focus, let go of the unchangeable, and as a result: BE HAPPY! 

Now that you've made your list of what is within your power to change for the better, I'd like to ask you again, "What are you going to do with what you've been given?" ;-)

I wish you all a lovely and abundant week! Love you all! xx