How to Learn New Behaviors, Create New Habits, and Cultivate Positive Change that Lasts

Whether it’s sticking to a diet, attempting to learn a new language or instrument, spend less money, exercise more, or actually stick with your New Year’s resolutions, there are some very important things to know about the human psyche before conquering any feat or accomplishing any goal—and this post will help you make simple adjustments in your life that will help you get closer to achieving your goals with efficacy and swiftness.

1.       Create New Habits

When it comes to making any behavioral change, we must start by

changing our habits. The "father of American Psychology," Physician, and Philosopher William James said we are "mere bundles of habit," biologically prone to routine. Aristotle explained this by expressing: "We are what we repeatedly do." It is true that we are creatures of habit, and the majority of our day consists of doing things that come naturally to us because we've made them habitual; as a result, these things come to us fairly easily and effortlessly. We don’t need to put much conscious effort into brushing our teeth, or driving to work, and the same is true of behaviors we make habitual. The issue lies within actually transforming a desired behavior from a painstakingly effort-driven goal, into an easy, effortless habit. Luckily for you, the following tips will teach you how to do just that!

2.       Know that Will power alone is not enough

When we desire to create lasting change, we must know that will power is not enough. In fact, not only is will power not enough, but psychological studies prove that the more will-power is used, the more our ability to utilize it is weakened. Participants in a study who were told they were not permitted to eat the chocolate chip cookies sitting on the plate in front of them while attempting to solve a difficult puzzle gave up on the feat much faster in contrast to those who were told they could eat the cookies if they wished. Rather than attempting to change a behavior through will power alone, there are a few things we can do to make our journey through self-improvement a bit easier: 

3.       Strive for Progress, Not for Perfection

There is a practice known as “kaizen” which is Japanese for “continuous improvement.” Far too often we put stringent, binding, and unattainable goals with ridiculous time restraints that end up making us feel trapped or like failures when we fail to accomplish them. While it’s important to push the limits of possibility by stretching our goals and striving for excellence, it’s equally important not to expect immediate results all at once. As Achor puts it, “[Our goals should be] not so easy that we don’t have to try, but not so difficult that we get discouraged and give up.” Rather than attempting to stick to strict, self-imposed rules and regulations, the key should be to strive for “kaizen,” or “continuous improvement.”

William James described this as making "daily strokes of effort." This concept brings truth to the maxim: "Practice makes perfect." In striving for progress, not perfection, we take the pressure not to fail off of ourselves and make the growth process much more enjoyable.

4.       Put The Desired Behavior On The Path Of Least Resistance, and The Undesired Behaviors on the Path of Greatest Resistance

In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Sean Achor describes the “20 second rule” which shows that creating a 20 second barrier between you and your undesired behavior, and a 20 second shortcut to the desired habit generates lasting change. The reason for this is because the more resistance we face in trying to create a new habit, the less likely we are to implement change towards creating that habit. And vice versa, the less resistance we face, the more likely we are to change. The same goes for undesired behaviors as well. When we create barriers to our undesired behaviors, we are less likely to engage in them. Implementing the 20 second rule and using it to your advantage may look something like taking out the batteries from your remote control in order to watch less television, or leaving books or instruments readily accessible and out in the open where you are more likely to pick them up as they are in your direct vision. Achor even described sleeping in his gym clothes until he made early-morning work-outs an indispensable practice.

5.       Take Baby Steps, Not Grandeur Leaps

We’re much more likely to give up on our goals if we set unrealistic expectations. We can’t write a book before writing a page, and we can’t run a marathon before running a mile. The point is that we should start small, and work our way onto larger feats. Achor refers to this as “expanding our circles,” like Zorro practiced fighting enemies from a small circle until he was strong and capable enough to move out of that restricted area. This way, we don’t run the risk of becoming completely overwhelmed by the task at hand and are less likely to give up because we are taking small steps rather than wearing ourselves out through grandeur leaps. If you’re trying to eat healthier, simply start by adding more fruits and vegetables into your diet rather than going cold-turkey on junk food and feeling like you’re restricting yourself (remember what I said in Point #2 about wearing out our will power!). If you’re trying to save more money, start by putting a few dollars aside every week rather than pressuring yourself to save hundreds at a time. (You get the idea). Small, consistent changes are what yield lasting, positive results in our lives.

As always, I hope you found these tips useful and informative. I hope you discovered a new-found sense of courage in taking on your goals, and may these tools bring some ease to you on your journey towards self-improvement! :-) 
Much Love,
Brigitte
xo

Don’t Let Fear to Hold You Back: How Acknowledging Fear Could be the Key to Fulfilling your Dreams, Attaining Goals, and Living a Life That is Truly Fulfilling

Many people live their lives in constant fear, and more often than not, they do so unconsciously and unintentionally! They don’t even realize that it is fear that’s holding them back! Fear holds us back from doing what we love and what we are meant to do, and this post will help you discover what kinds of fear may be limiting you and what you can do to exterminate the fears and live your fullest, most satisfying life. Take a look at some of the most common fears and see if you’ve ever fallen victim to allowing them to have any control in your life:

Fears are limiting beliefs that inhibit us from taking action and reaching our fullest potential.

1.       Fear of Pain/ disappointment

Number one on the list is the fear of pain or disappointment. Sometimes we don’t pursue certain things in life because we’re too afraid that if we don’t get the results we want, hope, or expect, that we will be hurt or disappointed. Pain and disappointment happen in life regardless of whether we pursue our dreams or not, the only difference is that while pursuing your goals, the pain you experience teaches you how to get closer to that goal, rather than experiencing the pain and remorse of not having tried hard enough to accomplish them. The fear of pain is a common fear that prevents us from reaching our full potential. Sometimes we may distance ourselves from people, or avoid taking risks because we are afraid of being hurt by them.

2.       Fear of Rejection

Next on the list is fear of rejection, another common fear that occurs when we become worried that our ideas or our personality might be rejected by someone we admire, or even popular culture and society. When we think this way and become overly-concerned with what others may think of us—about whether or not they will reject us or accept us—we alter who we are to accommodate the needs and beliefs of what others think we should be, rather than just being ourselves. When this happens, we are allowing the fear of rejection to hold us back and prevent us from taking any real, authentic action, and we act in a way that is not true to who we really are.

3.       Fear Of Other People’s Opinions

Similar to the fear of being rejected, other times, people may allow the fear of what others might think of them to creep in, and as a result, they can’t even lift a finger without worrying what someone else is going to think about it. If that sounds like you, then you’ve allowed the fear of other’s opinion to paralyze you.  It’s important to recognize that you can’t please everyone. If you don’t have any opposition or people who disagree with you, then it means you’re probably trying very hard to please everyone and are therefore compromising who you really are to be a people-pleaser rather than your true and authentic self. What’s ironic is that people appreciate authenticity more than someone who tries to accommodate the needs of everyone yet is fake, inauthentic, or phony in their work, actions, and/or behavior.

4.       Fear Of “Standing Out,” Being Weird, Or “Different”

The fourth kind of fear occurs when we are afraid to “stand out” and be weird, different, or unique—when we become afraid to go against the status quo and not settle for conformity. When we become worried or preoccupied with the idea that we might be thought of as weird, we fear being out-casted and rejected (this links back to #2 and #3) and therefore are held back from being ourselves and living to be our true self. Fear is a form of self-centeredness and is ego-based, and this fear in particular is one of self-absorption because it is the misconception that we are so different and unique from everyone else that no one will be able to relate to us. The truth is that we have a lot more in common with others than we think, and when we are open and authentic with who we really are, people relate and connect with you. The truth is that there are groups of people just waiting for you to be authentic with the world, so that they can appreciate all the unique talents and gifts that you have to offer. If we are willing to break out of our shell and simply be ourselves, without the fear of being different, weird, or unaccepted, we will break this fearful mentality that holds us back and attract people and circumstances that are compatible and in-alignment with our unique individuality.

5.       Fear of Cost

When we have the fear of cost, we worry about things like, “How much time, energy, money, effort, and work is this going to cost me?” When we think these kinds of thoughts, we prevent ourselves from taking action out of fear that it will cost us something without realizing that the payoff in the end may be far greater than the temporary investment. This can apply to anything, like your health, relationships, or career. Any time you make an investment, it will cost you a certain amount of time, energy, or effort, but the thing to keep in mind is that any time you make an investment, if you invest wisely in things that are important to you and matter (like health, relationships, doing what you love, etc.) then there will be a pay-off on that investment.  

6.       Fear of Failure

The last kind of fear is the fear of failure. This one is huge because if you want to get anywhere in life, you’re going to have to realize

that there will be times that you will experience failure. This does not make you a failure; on the contrary you can use failure to your advantage. But many people succumb to the fear of failure and don’t make an effort to even try to attain their goals. Failure is actually how many of the greatest people came to be. Thomas Edison said, “I did not fail 1000 times at making a light bulb, I discovered 1000 ways not to make a light bulb.” Fear itself is ironic in the sense that it is the very things that we are fearful of that can end up being of most benefit to us when we make the conscious decision to use them to our advantage. We can use the very things we are afraid—like failure or rejection—and use that failure or rejection as fuel for reaching new heights and accomplishing new goals. We can channel our failures, rejections, pains, and losses use them for our benefit. I love what Sean Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage says: "The most successful people see adversity not as a stumbling block, but as a stepping-stone to greatness. Indeed, every failure is often the fuel for the very ideas that eventually transform industries, make record profits, and reinvent careers." 

Rather than allowing the things we are fearful of to hold us back, we can channel whatever it is that we are afraid of—failures, rejections, pains, and losses—and  use them to our advantage and good by using them as fuel to our fire and motivation to reach new heights.

As always, I hope you found this post interesting or encouraging, and I wish you all a wonderful week! J

Awakening Consciousness: How Transitioning Through Brain Waves Can Promote Creativity and Inspiration

I've been reading a book called Frequency: The Power of Personal Vibration by Penny Peirce and have been learning some really interesting things about brain waves and their correlation to your levels of awareness and how learning to transition through these waves can bring you into heightened states of consciousness, awareness, and inspiration.

If you want your brain to function at it's best, if you want to enhance creativity, ideas, and inspired thought-flow, then you'll want to read this! :-) 

1. Beta Waves- The first are Beta waves--associated with high mental activity and engagement, as well as highly charged emotions such as fear, anger, arousal, etc. Beta waves correspond with a very low level of consciousness and are usually associated with very shallow, ego-based thinking.

2. Alpha Waves- Alpha waves occur when the brain is in a more relaxed and tranquil state, such as when you meditate, reflect, daydream, visualize, rest, spend time in nature, and exercise. In this state your brain becomes less worried, more open, and more aware of subtle information and new insights. Your brain is able to recall memories and develop a greater understanding of nature and your "true self," letting your ego die and becoming aware of your soul. When you take the time for self-reflection and your mind turns inward, you move from a state of Beta waves to the deeper alpha and theta waves, especially when you cut out external distractions (like turning off your cell phone, and getting into a quiet space for some alone time).

3. Theta Waves- Theta waves are associated with drowsiness, dreaming, the first stage of sleep, deep meditation, inspired creativity and imagination, and much slower than the two waves previously mentioned. Theta waves can put you in a trance-like state, where you lose track of time like when driving on the freeway or taking a long shower. In this state, free flowing ideas and visions come to mind, you become aware of suppressed ideas stored in your subconscious mind while in this state.

4. Delta Waves- The final waves are Delta brain waves and occur during sleep.

The reason I wanted to share this is because I feel it can be so easy to get caught up with living pedal-to-the-metal, non-stop, always caught up with the tasks of everyday life without taking the time to just relax, clear the mind, pray or meditate, exercise, or spend some time in nature. For your brain's sake, it's a good idea to take some time out for reflection, and peace and quiet without any distractions. You'll feel more creative, more inspired, more at peace, and you will have a healthier brain too! :-) 

Love is a Drug... Use Wisely!

In my book, TNT: Teenage Transformation, Part 1: Dating, one of

the things I talk about is how one of the aspects of being in love is based on a chemical dependency for the person of our interest. Even thinking of the person who we admire, like, or love causes our brains to release all kinds of feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin. Our brains reward us with these pleasure hormones whenever we think of, or spend time with this person, and can therefore cause us to become chemically addicted to that person! Crazy, huh?

Even thinking of the person who we admire, like, or love causes our brains to release all kinds of feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin.

There’s one hormone in particular that can cause some serious emotional damage if not properly managed or kept in its place. This hormone is called Oxytocin, and it’s released after any kind of physical or emotional intimacy, with its largest amounts released after sex. It’s been referred to by many scientists and doctors as the body’s own “love drug” or “love potion” because the surge of pleasure that Oxytocin causes is similar to that of taking heroin or cocaine!

Oxytocin has been referred to by many scientists and doctors as the body’s own “love drug” or “love potion” because its pleasure release is similar to that of taking heroin or cocaine!

Oxytocin is the reason why it’s possible to become chemically addicted to another person, and therefore the reason why we should be careful of whom we become “addicted” to. Women in particular need to be on guard of who they may become attached to, because while Oxytocin enhances the bonding and attachment levels in men 5 times their normal level after sleeping with someone, the bonding and attachment levels of women increase 12 times their normal level after sleeping with someone! Oxytocin is the reason why women typically become more attached after sex than men do. Not to say that men don’t experience attachment, it’s just that the attachment is much stronger in women than it is in men. To me, the bonding effects of Oxytocin is just scientific proof of the verses in the ancient biblical texts of Mark and Genesis when it says that "the two become one" (Mark 10:8, Genesis 2:24) in marriage, or after sex.  Sex is a uniting experience.

 

Oxytocin is the reason why it’s possible to become chemically addicted to another person, and therefore the reason why we should be careful of whom we become “addicted” to.

When it comes down to it, love and sex are really like a drug. They both cause our bodies to release feel good hormones just like that of an actual drug. And therefore, just like any other drug, love can have its side effects if not used with wisdom, caution, and in the proper context. Columnist, Nicole Hoelle explains the possible side-effects of this “love drug:”

“The combination of these chemicals can be particularly disruptive if there isn’t any sort of solid relationship in place. [The woman is] left flooded with chemicals which cause her to yearn for and crave this man, and even become obsessed. If the craving is not satisfied, she “crashes” and undergoes symptoms similar to those of a drug addict’s withdrawal, including depression, agitation, anxiety, irritability and despair [...] Left with an enormous emotional and physical desire for someone she cannot have, her mind and body thrown into a state of unbalance the woman only wants is to have her craving satisfied, and this can cause her to experience the symptoms, according to Dr. Helen Fisher (of Rutgers University), of someone with ‘mental illness’” (Hoelle).

The “side effects” of this “love drug,” included attachment, and possible emotional instability if a committed relationship is not set in place.

  

As you can see, the side effects of this love drug can be particularly harmful and disruptive if a committed relationship is not set in place. It’s something you might want to consider the next time you’re contemplating “casual” copulation, or sleeping with someone with whom you’re not quite sure where the relationship is going. In doing so, you could save yourself a lot of wasted time and heart-break by choosing to be wise with how you use this “love drug.”

As always, I hope you found that post useful and I wish you all a wonderful week! Take care everyone, and use your “love drug” wisely! ;-)

For more info on “The Science of Love” and how to make wise dating decisions, pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation—Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever!!

Photo from Karen Salmansohn’s Instant Happy

5 Things to Consider Before Committing

When you first begin dating someone, to avoid getting swept away by the "eromania," or excitement of romantic love, there are a few things to consider about the person you're dating or the person of your interest before becoming seriously involved. Here are a few things to consider that could make all the difference between finding lasting love or experiencing a heart-break.

 

 

 

1.       What kind of relationship do they have with their families and friends?

How the person of your interest interacts with others in their other relationships says a lot about what kind of person they are and whether or not they are capable of carrying out a healthy, loving relationship. If they have a lot of chaos and turmoil in their relationships, it may be an indication that they are not yet emotionally stable enough or mature enough to have a successful romantic relationship. It’s been said that how a person interacts with other family members (specifically opposite sex parents) determines how they will one day treat their future spouse. Watching and taking note of how the person of your interest interacts with others is important when seeking to cultivate a healthy romantic relationship.

2. How do they interact with members of the opposite sex?

Are they respectful, polite, flirtatious, or rude? How they interact with members of the opposite sex also says a lot about their ability to have a successful relationship.

 3. Are they in a position to be in a stable relationship, and do they desire one?

This question is very applicable to teens and young adults, but also any adult as well. Teenagers in particular have to ask themselves, "Is this person ready for a stable, long term relationship? Are they able to provide for a family if needed?" The chances are, that at such a young age, they are not ready for such a commitment or responsibility as providing for a household let alone themselves! If they are not prepared for this kind of serious commitment, then you have to ask yourself, "What are their intentions for me and this relationship? " If they make comments that imply they are not looking for a serious relationship, then their intentions towards you may be a little less than honest, or they simply may not be ready for the same level of commitment that you might seek. Asking yourself what kind of intentions the other person has toward you could be the difference between a relationship ending in heartbreak, or having been wise enough to protect your heart from someone who was not as serious about the relationship as you are.

4. If they are a guy, do they pay for you on your dates?

This says a lot about their willingness to provide for you. If they don’t pay for you on your dates, then it shows that they don’t really have an interest in providing for you in the long term. It may sound a bit extreme, but dating experts say this is an indication of a lack of willingness to be a provider.

5. Do they share your spirituality?

I've saved this one for last, but it is just about the most important factor to having a healthy relationship. The two most common reasons disputes in marriage occur are because of finances and religious views. Knowing and matching on what kind of religious beliefs your current or potential partner has are extremely important to a healthy relationship. You won't always agree on everything as a couple, but you should be able to agree on the areas where it matters most. If the two of you don't share the same spiritual beliefs, it could lead to major disputes down the road that affect everything from finances to how you choose to raise your children or spend your free time. The Bible stresses the importance of this when it refers to being "equally yoked," or, "equally minded" in spirituality. Please also make note that just because someone may attend church does not mean that they are equally minded with you spiritually. They may be at a different stage in their faith than you are, and it may cause problems later down the line if you discover they are not as passionate about seeking a deeper spiritual understanding as you thought they were. Having conversations about spiritual beliefs in the beginning stages of a relationship is guaranteed to save you a lot of heartache in the end.

There are obviously other very important factors that contribute to high compatibility and the success of a relationship (like financial compatibility, similarities in interest, intellect, etc.), but for the sake of this post, I’ve narrowed it down to a few of the most important ones.

I hope you found this post useful, and if you'd like to read more you can pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation, Part 1: Dating.

Additional recommended reading: Boy meets Girl, Joshua Harris; Things I'd Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, Gary Chapman.

Photo is from Karen Salmansohn's "Instant Happy: 10 Second Attitude Makeovers"

 

 

It's All About Focus!

I had a revelation one day as I was studying tissues while working in the biology lab. I realized that just as whatever point I chose to focus my microscope on would immediately become magnified and larger, so it goes the same with our focus in life. I realized that it's whatever we choose to set our focus on that becomes most important, grand, or large in our life.

Life is like looking through a microscope: What you choose to focus on is what will be magnified!

It's like this: Have you ever met someone who you thought was initially attractive, until they told you how horribly self-conscious they were of the extremely small mole on the side of their cheek? All of a sudden, the once-attractive qualities you perceived in the other person seem small compared to the suddenly gargantuan mole hanging off the side of their face! Or maybe you've experienced the distraction of sitting in class and listening to the instructor, until someone points out how loud the air conditioner sounds. All of a sudden, it becomes seemingly impossible to focus on anything but the ridiculously loud hum of the A.C! The reason for this is because your focus changed. It changed from the attractive qualities of a person, to their not-so attractive qualities. It changed from listening to the voice of your professor, to the loud hum of the A.C. Nothing changed circumstantially. Nothing changed except what you were focusing on.

You hold the power and the key to utilize your Focus to the best of your advantage.

Most top athletes know the importance of monitoring their focus. Instead of choosing to focus on the physical pain they feel, they change their focus onto how great their victory will be for having been so disciplined. They focus on bettering themselves, on shaping and transforming their body into a winning machine! Like athletes, you too hold the power to utilize your focus to the best of your advantage. Either you can choose to focus on all the things you are lacking in your life, and as a result feel depressed, discouraged, and hopeless. Or, you can choose to choose to focus on all the things you have to be grateful for--no matter how small; whether it is the roof over your head, the fact that you're alive, or your amazing ability to read this post--and as a result, feel immensely blessed, grateful, joyful, productive, and happy! You can focus on your immense work load and feel stressed, or you can choose to focus on how good it will be once you get your work done. You can focus on how lonely you may feel, or you can change your focus onto making someone else's day and as a result feel great for having made a selfless contribution that benefitted someone else. I hope you can see how extremely important monitoring your focus is, and that you have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

You have the power to CHOOSE and CHANGE what you focus on.

I want you to try this: Look around the room and within 10 seconds, try to find as many brown objects as possible. Ready? Go!

Finished?

Okay, now without looking around the room again, try telling me all the blue things that you saw.
I can guarantee that you're not able to list nearly as many blue things as you were able to list brown things. And why is that? It's because you were too busy focusing on all the brown to recognize any of the blue! Life is the same way. Please don't miss out on seeing all the wonderful "blue" because you were far too busy being concerned with all the muck and "brown." Enjoy each moment to its fullest by learning to monitor what you focus on! It is a habit that will benefit you, your life, and those around you (positive people bring others up) for years to come!

Don't miss out on all the "blue" because you're too busy focusing on all the "brown!"

Action Steps:
1. Gratitude List
There are a couple things you can do to drastically change your focus for the better. The first thing you can do is make a gratitude list. Every morning when you wake up, write down at least 3-5 new things that you're grateful for and review the list again at night.
2. Help Someone in Need
Second, you can change your focus off of yourself and onto someone else! If you're feeling miserable with your current circumstances there may be a chance that you've become overly absorbed with the problems you’re facing. There's a famous quote that says something like, "the best way to solve your problems is by helping someone else solve theirs." Taking the time to help someone else out of their loneliness, struggles, or hurt helps you get your focus off of yourself and onto someone else, and your problems immediately become much less daunting.

I hope you found this information useful, inspirational, and practical to every-day life. If you'd like more inspiration, you can pick up a copy of my book TNT:TeeNage Transformation --Explosive Ideas That Will Blow Your Mind and Change Your Life Forever!

Have a great week everybody! ;-)