The Pygmalion Effect–How Your Self-Perception Alters Your Reality

What Kind of Person do you think you are? How do you perceive yourself to be?

What if I told you that how you answer this question determines the outcome of your life? 

How you see yourself is of absolute importance because it affects everything that you do. How we see ourselves determines what kind of goals we set, what kind of thoughts we think, how we act and behave, and what decisions we make.

To start off, I'm going to give a little lesson in Roman legend 101. According to Roman legend, a sculptor by the name of Pygmalion had envisioned a woman so remarkably beautiful he could not help but bring his vision to life through his gift of sculpting. His sculpture was more than beautiful; in fact, it embodied every ideal, hope, dream, possibility, and meaning that Pygmalion held. It wasn’t before long that Pygmalion fell in love with his idealistic sculpture, so much so that he bargained with the goddess of love, Venus, to bring her to life. And according to the legend, she did.

Now what does this have to do with you and I you might ask? Well, like Pygmalion, who brought his sculpture to life simply through the power of his belief, you and I have the power to bring to life certain traits within others and within ourselves simply based on how we perceive others and ourselves. In positive psychology, this power of belief is referred to as “The Pygmalion Effect,” and its implications reveal that our belief in another person’s potential, or our own, actually brings that potential to life.  

To further explain, I’ll share a little story with you: Back when I was in high-school, there was a classroom clown cracking jokes and causing apparent disruption to the classroom. Instead of simply asking the kid to be quiet, giving him a pink slip, or kicking him out of the class, the teacher told him to hold out his right hand and turn it over. The student did said procedure as the teacher responded, “Good, now at least I know you can flip burgers at McDonald’s, because that’s what you’re going to be doing the rest of your life.” What this teacher may or may not have realized at the time, was that he was speaking prophetic words of negativity into this child’s life. Rather than kindly encouraging the class-clown to pay attention, he publicly belittled and humiliated him, and sure enough, a couple years later, that kid had dropped out of high-school and began flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Here’s another example: A new teacher was given the names of her students as well as their locker numbers. She mistakenly took these numbers as each of her pupil’s IQ scores. Consequently, she spent the rest of the school year under the impression that each one of her students was an utter genius, and her verbal and non-verbal actions communicated that quite clearly to each of her students. By the end of the year, the school’s principle called the teacher into his office asking, “What on earth did you do to get these kids’ test scores so incredibly high?” Her response was, “Well sir, they are genius.’” “And how would you know that?” he replied. “Well because of their IQ scores you gave me in the beginning of the year!” she returned. With a grin and a shake of the head he said, “Those weren’t their IQ scores, those were their locker numbers!”  

Story upon story, study upon study continues to prove the dramatic effect our beliefs have when it comes to influencing others. Our beliefs in others can either discourage them to sink into failure, or encourage them to rise up and realize their full-potential. The same is true of ourselves. The way we see ourselves determines how we act, behave, what we say and think, what kind of goals we set (if we believe we are destined for failure, the bar will be set very low, and vice versa) and what kind of decisions that we make. If we don’t believe we can do something, what’s the point in us even trying in the first place?

Why did my high-school friend, the class clown, drop out of high school? Because he listened to what he was told and didn’t believe he could do anything else with his life. A student who doesn’t believe they will ever amount to anything is more likely to drop out or get poor grades. Why even try in the first place? A young girl who doesn’t have much self-worth or self-value is more likely to seek love in the wrong places, because she doesn’t think she can do any better or is worth any better. A husband who is constantly nagged by his wife is going to feel as if there’s no point to doing anything nice for her at all.

When we encourage others, when we help others to see their unlimited potential, we are aiding in bringing that potential to life. When we listen to self-degrading thoughts of negativity and failure, we are only hindering our future. When we chose to seek our strong areas, improve on our weak ones, and know that the potential within each of us is unlimited, we are creating a future that is bright, meaningful, and completely fulfilled and purposeful.

As Sean Achor puts it, “When we believe we can do more and achieve more (or when others believe It for us), that is often the precise reason we do achieve more.” Science has barely begun to glimpse into all of the remarkable ways our mindset actually shapes and determines the objective world around us.

It is truly proof of the timeless wisdom that, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he becomes” (Proverbs 23:7).

Now let me ask again, “Who do you believe you are?”

I hope you answer differently, or at least a little more positively knowing that how you answer will be reflected in  how you behave, live, the goals you set, the thoughts you think, the words you speak, and ultimately, the kind of life you will have.

"I am by nature a dealer in words, and words are the MOST powerful drug known to humanity" -Rudyard Kipling 

If You're Single and Looking...

If you’re single and have been looking for and desiring a relationship, then I want to propose a challenge to you: Instead of “searching” and looking for that special someone, work on instead becoming that special someone for someone else to find. Instead of “searching” and looking for that special someone, work on instead becoming that special someone for someone else to find.

You’ve probably heard this before, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with keeping a look out for that special someone. The problem occurs when our search overrides the amount of time and energy we spend on actually improving ourselves. Many relationship problems occur because neither person believes that they have to change, they both are under the impression that their own way is right. If we carry this mentality when we are single, there’s a sure chance we’ll also carry it into our relationships as well. When it comes down to it, relationships are really about practicing humility and servant-hood. Instead of searching for someone to meet our needs, we need to change our focus onto how we can improve ourselves so that we can be a better partner for someone else someday. When it comes to solving relationship problems, you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself--and that change needs to start while you're single.

Ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person that my ideal mate is looking for?”

To clarify the importance of what I mean by this: Ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person that my ideal partner is looking for?” If you’re honest, you may admit that there’s a little self-improvement you can do to prepare and grow yourself into becoming the kind of person that your ideal mate would like to find. Maybe you need to begin taking some action steps by hitting the gym, or start by being a little more disciplined in your finances. Maybe you seek someone with spirituality, but you aren’t living out that spirituality in your own life. No matter what stage of life you’re in, no matter how much money you have, or how great you may think you are, the fact is, there’s always room for improvement! By changing your focus off of finding “the one” and instead onto becoming “the one” you increase your chances of not only finding someone who values what you value, but who is also living out those values in their own life as well. Not only that, but your time of self-improvement will serve the relationship well when it does come time for you to be in one. In addition, the continual and constant steps you make towards self-improving will make you ridiculously irresistible to a number of suitors/suitresses. It’s like Karen Salmansohn of Instant Happy said, “ 'Sexy’ isn’t about what you wear. It’s about how you feel. The more passion you feel for yourself and your life, the more passion others will feel for you.” I know from experience and testimony this is absolutely true. The more you live in accordance with what you value, the more you continue to pursue the things in life which you are passionate about, and the more you continue to make steps towards improvement, the more people will notice those changes and feel a sense of attraction for you because people can sense the positive changes you're making, and you are living in a way that is inspiring to others.

Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy. You can be happy right now.

Another thing I’d like to mention, is that many single people carry

the mentality that only when they are finally in a relationship will they be fulfilled and happy. This is a complete fallacy! Circumstances like relationship status, finances, and career may provide a temporary satisfaction when new, but as the newness wears off, the person who was initially unhappy will revert right back to their old state of discontentment. The reason for this, as the field of positive psychology has repeatedly proven, is that our mood is primarily based not upon circumstances, but our perspective about our circumstances. So unless you change your perspective about yourself and your temporary state of singleness, I can assure you that you’re not going to find someone to make you completely happy! Yes, it’s true that healthy relationships can bring us joy—we were created for relationships, and it’s good to have them. However it is not true that there is one human being that can fully fulfill and satisfy every one of our needs. We’re only human! Nobody can do that! We’re placing on them a burden that only God can fulfill. I’ve known many who search for love in the affection and attention of others, only to end up stuck in a cycle of revolving-relationships, and never happy because they base their love off of what someone else thinks of them, or how someone else treats them. What they fail to realize is that they must first learn to have a healthy self-love for themselves before getting into a relationship. Otherwise, they will be constantly taking and never able to give. They will be needy and dependent upon the other person in order to feel loved because they don’t already feel it for themselves. And a relationship that is based on dependence is certainly not a healthy one. You want to be in a relationship where both people are satisfied in their lives and at a point where they can both mutually give and receive love and affection. If you don’t love yourself, how can you fully love an other? Have a healthy love and appreciation for yourself first, before seeking out a relationship. If you don't have this kind of self- love, appretiation, and self- respect, it's likely you may end up settling for someone who doesn't show you the love you deserve because you don't think that you deserve any better. It's for this reason that many get trapped in emotionally or physically abusive relationships: They don't have enough self-love or self-respect to believe that they deserve or can do any better.

Rather than seeking out love in a human who will love you imperfectly, seek love out in God's perfect love. Find your value and self-worth in Him.

The bottom line is that if you aren’t loving yourself, appreciating yourself, or having fun enjoying your life while you are single, being in a relationship with another person won’t provide that for you.

Learn to love yourself. If you don’t learn love yourself and treat yourself right first, no one will.

Action steps:

1.       Work on becoming the kind of person that your ideal partner is looking for. Ask yourself, “What kind of person is my dream-girl/guy looking for?”

You can: Take self-improvement courses, work on accomplishing some of your goals, do some spring cleaning, make some wardrobe adjustments (this does not have to be expensive or excessive), make some changes in your finances, diet, how you spend your time, etc.

2.       Find fulfillment where you are in your own life right now. Don’t wait for someone else to make you happy. Enjoy your singleness! (It’s a time, that for many, will only come once! So enjoy it while you can!)

You can:  Spend more quality time with friends, take a trip, pick up a hobby, go dancing, go laser-tagging, take a hike, enjoy life, read a book, cook, go scuba diving, whale watching, walk on the beach, buy yourself flowers, exercise, laugh more, watch more movies, learn a new language, set a goal and accomplish it, whatever you find enjoyable and productive, do that! If you don’t learn love yourself and treat yourself right first, no one will.

 

If you found any of what you've read useful or inspirational, you pick up a copy of my book, TNT: TeeNage Transformation Part 1: Dating.

 

Additional recommendations: Too Close, Too Soon, Jim Talley & Bobbie Reed; The Heart of Love, Dr. John Demartini; The Soulmate Secret, Arielle Ford

 

Have a great week everyone! ;-)